the alabaster jar

moving to murky hope

2010-09-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

this will be the last post on this site for me. i needed a fresh start, a new space. so you can find me at murkyhope.com. thanks.....much love,

kel

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wow. it has been a long time…. i feel like the my life has just hit a giant pause button. from the moment 5 months ago when we got the call that i had lost my father… life stopped. movement stopped. while thinking and ruminating didn’t, writing and blogging did. so much of life has felt like i have been going through the motions and trying to work out some of the most intense feelings i have ever had. grief has been hard on me. it has paused me.

somehow, i think being paused has been very good for me.

a few weeks back i was doing one of my yoga recordings that i taped before leaving new haven in a back room by myself. it was early. it was quiet. as i settled into the classes rhythm, i felt my body expressing grief and surrender with each vinyasa. it was hard, but the kind of hard that is good because somehow what is taking place on the outside actually matches what is going on in the inside.

on this particular recording peg was talking during a deep hip opener about taking moments to pause. sometimes, she said, we need to think of our lives like a bottle. filled with water, dirt, sand…and most of the time we are shaking it up. in the shaking everything loosens up and what once was stuck to the bottom all the sudden is flying around the bottle. yoga is a place where just for a moment we let that muck settle and become still enough to allow clarity in the water to surface.

5 months ago my bottle was shaken, rattled, undone… and sediment that probably hasn’t ever been lodged from the plastic edges of the bottle was jarred out, along with all the normal dirt of daily life… it was dirty. the water was so filthy. and the water and muck spun and spun and spun…

after this tremendous loss and shaking, it feels like that bottle was just put on a shelf, in a far away corner and left to spin, to settle… how things would land was unknown (in so many ways they still are). i felt left alone with the world spinning around me, dirt spinning around me. the inertia from the initial spin had stopped but the consequence of the jarring was still taking place… like when you get off of the twirling tea cups and the moment you step foot on solid grown you actually feel more sick than at the height of the ride.

life is beginning again. movement is taking place. there have been moments that the water has almost been light enough to at least know someday clarity will emerge. i am still very much allowing the muck to settle, the water is still murky and i continue to process this profound loss. grief still dwells in my soul and heart, but in many ways i am learning to live with it and let it change me…

…let it teach me what it looks like to move through murky water

…let it teach me what it looks like to pause and allow muck and mire to settle so you can move with clarity

…to choose not to let the dark sediment settle back down in the nooks and crannies of my soul but pray that in its spiraling it is broken down or maybe even taken out by a hand that cares about providing fresh water that i may thirst no longer

if this didn’t change me it would be a shame.

in many ways this blog is to say “i’m back.” in others, it is an intentional step towards choosing life, choosing hope even in the midst of water still swirling. this past 5 months i am learning even more what it means to trust in the midst of pain. to believe even when your own heart doesn’t have the strength. to have faith in the things that are not only unseen but dark and confusing.

to hope in the middle of muck and mire… so welcome to murky hope.

DISCLAIMERS:

1.) i won’t be using the alabaster jar anymore and my blogging world will now exist here (for those coming from the alabaster jar).

2.) of course i’ll write of kurtz family adventures, life in africa with a toddler, things i am learning about justice, jesus and redemption too but…

3.) i will write about “murky hope” because i want those that need it to know that even if the day feels like night, sorrow and pain feel like guests who drop in uninvited or your bottle has been shaken into a murky mess, hope is possible and even beautiful.

4.) to write about hope that exists in the dirt of life you have to talk about dirt…so i am sure this space will not always be pretty, perfect or shiny. which also means your dirt is welcome too…

5.) thanks for taking the time to be in this journey with me.

happy with a limp

2010-04-21T05:15:00.000-07:00

so, we have been here 1 month. i can’t really believe it. i don’t know why i haven’t written more. this first month in uganda has been….hard. i guess there is no other way to really say it. i have thought about writing something and beginning to share life here but each time i sit down to write i just can’t. there are so many stories to tell…

…the one about the intricacies of furniture making

…the crazy things people do when they are finishing a house for you that they think you won’t notice like BIGHT GREEN mosquito screens

…what it feels like to look up at the stars with your son and realize you haven’t actually stopped to see the stars in a few years

…connections and difficult challenges i am making in yoga practice

…trying to describe how amazing it feels to have your feet filthy from red dirt and how awesome it feels to get them finally clean at the end of a long day

…how i went to a birthday party at the us military house (i didn’t know the us had a military house here either…that again is a TOTALLY different story to tell) and it was SO strange because it felt like i was at a frat party …with girls in mini skirts & leggings and a wii on the front lawn

…communal living when there is no water, no power and your son decides he wants to stop sleeping

...how chasing butterflies, drawing in the dirt and dying easter eggs with a 2 year old makes me feel like a kid again.

…how it feels to know that your son just simply greeting an old man in their tribal language made the old man’s day so much he is probably still laughing and talking about it with his friends in the village

…how i am still in a little bit of mourning from not being in new haven, where i thought i would be

…how much malaria sucks

…what it feels like to worship with music both alone in my room with only with a guitar and my voice and in a loud vibrant ugandan church…how they both kind of feel like home

…how not much of anything feels like home and there have been moments that i have cried because i know this is where jesus has brought us, knowing that staying here is going to be a beautiful challenge…

…yes, indeed there have been stories to tell. the bad ones i haven’t wanted to tell at the risk of worrying mothers and dear friends who are far away…the good ones i haven’t wanted to share at the risk that mothers and friends would think that we are doing great. both felt a little shallow and incomplete….i guess they are. how can one month in a place where your world has been flipped upside down really tell anything different. so maybe i’ll just start telling them… so promise me mom, don’t freak out AND know that it isn’t all roses. so….meet happy!!

happy is ogeiko’s new friend, a 3 month old ugandan mut that is really just always happy. when she came over for the first time a few months ago she was very quickly named happy. all she wanted to do was play, run and snuggle up against your leg. she is just happy. so ben named her that.

she doesn’t belong to us but to the neighbor down the way. she is always here though. in fact i think there has only been 2 nights where she didn’t sleep right by ogeiko’s side. one of them was the night she was beaten for being a “thief.” the next morning she hobbled into the compound with a very sad broken leg and her tail still wagging…still happy.

after 15,000 ugandan shillings (roughly $7) the vet fixed her up with a cast and gave her some pain meds right with Judah and I watching on the front porch (which is an entirely different story for another time). she got up after the procedure (which also could have been mistaken for a mild form of torture) and just licked the very hands that were holding her against her will howling a few minutes before. she kissed the vet on the nose and then just hobbled off to find a shady spot to rest…tail still wagging. still, even still, happy just with a limp.

i don’t feel very much like happy with a limp right now. maybe more like a broken body that sometimes smiles and laughs pretty hard. i want the tables to turn and the scales to balance a bit the other way. maybe if i could find shady places to rest, friends to play with and be willing to show my broken paw.

the vet said he’ll be back in 3 weeks to take the cast off…a lot can happen in 3 weeks. bones can heal. wounds can be mended. i imagine happy will still be happy just minus the limp. maybe in 3 weeks the scales will look different for me too.

when life flips you on your head...learn how to do headstands!

2010-04-04T04:21:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter! He is Risen!

It has been a long time. We have come and gone in Denver and spent some amazing time with friends and family. We have now been in Uganda for nearly 2 weeks…2 weeks the amount of time it take for the symptoms of malaria to set in. Yup! Looks like I have malaria. Think one little malaria mosquito bit me the night we landed in Kampala. Needless to say the last few days I have been hanging out in bed with a massive headache and ridiculously sore joints. My hips have just wanted to fall right off. The doctor told me yesterday malaria is Africa’s way of saying “Welcome to Africa.” What a welcome! (photo above from church today...you can hardly tell that I feel like junk!)

Judah has this crazy heat rash all over his body yet he still manages to bring just some gigantic smiles to everyone in and out of the house. He wore his little suit to church today. So stinkin’ cute! He just stole my heart. He is enjoying chasing butterflies, jumping in puddles and “coloring” in the dirt with his new little friends in the village….and of course greeting everyone we pass on the street.

Kimbal has been amazing. He has really been a strong rock for us weak folks, helping me to not feel so crazy when I feel so bad. We have all been running around trying to find a house that will work for all 7 of us. And he has been thinking of ways to design kitchens and beds that will be both cheap and a little fun. I am sure I’ll post pictures when we find the place and have taken residence. I know it is really a short update but it is one indeed…

…in the middle of all this chaos I have been thinking of something…

Back in New Haven (my how that seems forever away), during my last few weeks of yoga practice I decided I would just take a chance at doing headstand. I tried. I kicked up my legs and used all my gusto to get up. I didn’t get very far. “I’m just not strong enough yet,” I thought.

After class, I gathered my things and then Peg came to find me. She told me how I was coming into headstand wrong and tried to show me how to do it differently. I told her my thought that I must just not be strong enough, she smiled and said back, “Oh, no I think you are plenty strong. You just need to make a few conscious adjustments.”

After some long days with malaria and all of these other crazy adjustments our family is making—like the never-ending battle to try to keep Judah somewhat germ-clean-ish, living in a new place, little power, little water, battling to get Judah to sleep with out a fan in a crib that he just learned he can climb out of, I have broken down several times. Each time in the middle of it all I think to myself “This is hard and I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this.”

I feel as though as we sit on the other side of the world that our lives have been flipped on their heads. Literally, they have. Today I am remembering that day in class and wondering what conscious adjustments I could make to wind up stronger and in a beautiful headstand…

[insert photo of me on amazing African Grass with the sunset behind me doing a headstand....it doesn't exist yet because my head hurts WAY too much from the malaria and it take oh, 2 hours to upload a photo...so you only get one today! ]

Great Expectations!

2010-02-26T19:57:00.000-08:00

Day 40. Complete. Just finished, it’s 9:47pm in this beautiful snowy New England town.

I pictured what this night would look and feel like. The culmination of the 40-day yoga challenge, but, also the end of an amazing year here in New Haven. I pictured how I would feel and what it would be like to walk out of Peg’s 6:15 Hot Power Practice… The Friday night class is one of my favorites. Candles, music, some amazing people, and it generally kicks my butt in a good way. I longed to finish the challenge that way!

I pictured it and it looked completely different. All the classes were canceled today due to snow! BUMMER, right?!?! So I completed this challenge on my mat in the floor of my kitchen with my dad chuckling to The Office in one room, my hubby packing suitcases in another and my baby trying desperately to go to sleep, too excited about flying on the plane tomorrow.

It looked and felt completely different. My great expectations for this challenge “let down” and yet as I sat up to turn off the yoga DVD I grinned….

This moment was indeed picture perfect. Thankfully I was able to let go of those expectations tonight and engage with what I had… a beautiful full house, a yoga mat and a decent recording of one of my favorite classes.

We leave early tomorrow morning for the next great adventure. I am eager and excited to reflect on this past year a bit more…to have time to think and be with my Denver friends & family and get into a rhythm of playing with my son! I am eager to share more about this next great leg of our journey and dream a little bit about what it holds...

But for tonight and the next few hours here, I am content to catch a re-run of The Office with my dad, snuggle on the blow up mattress & sleeping bags with my hubby and exit the mat knowing we made it!

New Haven, thank you! Denver, I’ll see you soon! Uganda, I can’t wait to be with you!

Namaste!

If this week were a long practice, KICK ME OFF THE MAT!

2010-02-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

It’s snowing outside. All yoga classes were canceled today. Crazy, but you would think the east coast never gets snow!! You would think this because EVERYTHING shuts down at the site of a few flakes. School is canceled. We got let off work early. Stores close. Anyway, SO NOT THE POINT…

As I was saying, there is snow and yoga is cancelled. Once again I wound up doing yoga in the kitchen tonight. Day 24/40! A few weeks ago in class I can remember an instructor saying something to the effect of “Stay in the pose! The pose actually begins the moment you want to get out of it.” I guess you could say the pose is beginning for me!

I had one of those days (actually if I am honest, one of those weeks) where chaos, disappointment, fear, anxiety and the unknown just left me undone... Sent me spiraling and kept me grumpy to say the least. As I lay on the mat tonight I had the thought, “If this week was one long practice, I should be kicked off the mat…” I feel like that. The way I responded under pressure this week has been filled with judgment, frustration…the opposite of grace under pressure.

In my thoughts I just asked God to help… help me to show up tomorrow… help me to trust that we will make it… help me to somehow enter into this chaotic state where my house is a mess, our lives are in upheaval and dreams that I once had are beginning to look different. In the shifting dreams I am realizing there is sadness… and mourning taking place. Yes joy and excitement about the next step but it feels like messy joy… murky hope.

I want to show up different tomorrow. Lord, have mercy on me. I want to trust that he is faithful to bring us into a place that is good and right. Lord, have mercy on me. I want to be a person who gives grace and laughter in chaos (even a CRAZY house and moving strategy). Lord, have mercy on me. I want to be one that finds steadiness outside circumstance. Lord, have mercy on me. I want to be the person who has the audacity to continue to dream even when the ones you have had before don’t always end the way you thought they would. Lord, have mercy on me. I want to embrace joy, even if it is messy…and hope, even when it is murky. Lord, have mercy on me.

16/40...some refelctions

2010-02-02T10:04:00.001-08:00

I am trekking along in this beautiful challenge. I am learning so much along the way. As I had expected the mat has been an amazing place for me to come, explore, and ask myself questions like, “how I am showing up for the day?”.

The last few months I have been occasionally doing some Celtic prayer. I have particularly found what they call the “morning office” helpful to start they day. The same daily prayer mixed with alternating scripture readings…a still center if you will. There is this one line at the end of the morning daily office that asks Christ to “be with in and with out me lowly and meek yet all powerful.” Many mornings I have dwelt on those single lines just wanting Jesus to somehow find me again and help me to live a meek, humble yet powerful life filled with love and justice.

Last week at the beginning one of my practices, I think it was 11/40; I sat in child’s pose and found myself reflecting on those same words. I started to pair them with my breathing. Inhale “Christ with in”…Exhale “and without me lowly and meek yet all powerful”… Inhale “Christ with in”…. Exhale “and without me lowly and meek”…Inhale “Be within”…Exhale ”and without me.” I was bringing my intention with the practice to those small words and deep longing.

I moved throughout the practice. I didn’t keep those words on the forefront of my mind at every moment of the practice …but every time I found myself in a difficult posture or loosing my breath those words would slowly creep in “be within and without me lowly and meek yet all powerful.” I moved… I breathed …and hoped… At the end of practice I laid there in corpse pose and again I found a soft breath. I intentionally brought back those words with each inhale and each exhale. I meditated on them. Took them in…. Inhale “Christ with in me”… Exhale “and without me lowly and meek yet all powerful.” I experienced something beautiful that day… Meditation in motion …a living active prayer.

They often say that the mat is a place to come explore. To take notice how we respond on the mat (without judging of course, right Peg J) and either keep the thoughts, motivations and intentions that come through out the practice or let them go. A place to explore the possible, expand into the possible… O how I long for what I experienced that day on the mat in my daily life. In the conversations with my husband, in difficult situations with friends, family and co-workers…

As I sit in a coffee shop now I notice my breath once more (I seem to notice it more often these days)… Inhale “Christ within me”… Exhale “ and without me lowly and meek yet all powerful.” Amen.

40 days...

2010-01-18T18:41:00.000-08:00

so I have been doing a lot more yoga lately. i started going to this studio when we first arrived in new haven and I have really liked it. the mat has turned into this space where i have been able to escape, think and have some time for self reflection. combining breath and movement, mediation in motion…it helped me gain some new eyes along the way this year.

in practice a few weeks ago i noticed something about myself. no judgments, just noticed (as peg always says)… i noticed when i would first enter into a pose there would be a lot of self-confidence. then i would get tired. i would talk myself up in my head, focus on breathing…i would enter into a space of letting go through the pain…and then i noticed something else. the minute there were any cues that would tell me we were about to move onto a different pose i would rush out of the uncomfortable place (sometimes fall out) just to get to the next posture.

over the last week i have noticed this same pattern over and over again, pose after pose. needless to say, on the mat i have been bringing my attention to finishing the pose well and staying in it all the way through the exhale. taking everything, every moment in the pose… the last couple of days i have noticed a shift in what i am receiving from practice.

those that know me might be thinking, “hmmm that is something that i have seen take place off the mat in you kellen”. i too have noticed the same pattern in my life. when we know we are about to move on into something else or i can see something new coming into being, i will often rush to the next spot, not giving proper or any attention to the last few moments in my current location. in it I think i have missed a lot. moments… conversations… life. i don’t want to miss out anymore.

last week i also i noticed that the studio was launching a 40 day challenge. it intrigued my goal oriented, tangible results personality. i saw that the challenge ended the day before our flight is set to go back to colorado. i thought about it. and i have decided to take the plunge and spend my last 40 days here in new haven on the mat. it is my hope that it will be a space to remind myself, ask myself and check in to see if i am finishing well here. make no judgments, notice my response in the moments and readjust accordingly.

i hope to post some of what I am learning along the way in this challenge. i’m hoping that both on an off the mat something beautiful happens in me and my time here. here’s to finishing well and staying fully engaged through each exhale….1 down 39 to go!

dreaming with my eyes wide open

2010-01-03T18:31:00.000-08:00

it’s not jan 1^st like it was supposed to be when i planned on writing/finishing this… just a few days late. our family has been in relax mode for the past 2+ weeks (monday morning will come as a shocker for me that’s for sure).

we have been sleeping in, hanging out in our pj’s, having amazing birthday and christmas celebrations with family (that included, monkey birthday cakes, fondue for christmas eve and an amazing 24 hours away with just my hubby while grandma watched the baby…no mom, i wasn’t going to mention the fact that our christmas adventures also included your hair catching on fire during the christmas eve service…oops ;)) making snowmen, watching football, doing yoga, dancing in the new year, skyping with friends, making big decisions…busy, eventful and yet filled with rest and peace.

in all this, i have spent some time reflecting on the year that has passed and the year that is to come…it has been good. i decided to steal one of my favorite bloggers new years post and filled out her little “new years refection guide” for myself. i wanted to share it with you… this past year has been wild and full. this next year i expect will be…a little unexpected. enjoy!

in 2009

3-4 words to describe 2009….hopeful, full, disappointing, confusing, cohesive

if 2009 was a book title it would be… “dreaming with my eyes wide open” (i think this year was all about dreams coming into reality. so much of that was beautiful and amazing BUT the funny thing about dreams is that when they turn into a reality they meld and become part of the everyday, mundane, messy, eyes wide open life).

i’m really glad i tried…taking the job with Love146. it was an amazing time filled with many “learns”, it was both challenging and good. i wouldn’t take it back for anything.

something that surprised me was…how much i love new haven…and that we won’t be calling here home for much longer.

the most courageous thing I did this year was…take a job and move my family across the country…. confront some issues… oh and, the tattoo took some courage too.

i tried to let go of… the battle between contentment and discontentment. i tried to put new words in their place like constructive and grateful (still trying).

i tried to hold onto…my hope in the kingdom coming on earth as it is in heaven.

i felt hopeful…that He who began a good work in me will not tire but carry it on to perfection (both for me and all of creation)…even this journey will take a little longer than expected.

i felt less anxious about…being “just” a mom... from actually filling the mommy role well and feeling like being a mom is a worthy and “significant” contribution…this year i fell in love with my son and being his mommy.

a relationship i am especially grateful for this year is… i am very grateful this year for many relationships from my hubby and son, to my amazing and supportive friends and family (both old and new). to pick just one out seems difficult… BUT i will say that this year i am especially thankful for my relationship with jim. he has been a great mentor, advisor and friend. he helped me to get some perspective. this year was a year where i had difficulty seeing myself and my contribution to the world. he helped to see both of those things a little more clearly, the good, the bad and the ugly…thanks jim!

this year i noticed God’s work…in the small dark corners of my heart. i can’t necessarily say i saw Him working at the time, i look back over the year and see that things in me have changed.

in 2010

words i hope to describe this upcoming year are…joy, peace, laughter, life, simple, thankful, creative, music

something i really want to try is…actually playing my guitar consistently and to blog/write with intention.

a person i want to pour more of my heart and time into is…my son…my hubby… and the 4 other people that are leaping across (or staying across an ocean) to live in Uganda for a little while together. (oh yeah...we’re moving to Uganda. more on this soon. I told you we made some big decisions this break).

a way i want to take better care of myself this year is…eat less sugar and do more yoga!

a way i want to reach out to others is… try to choose looking people in the eyes more while I am “en route.”

i’d really love to experience God’s peace in…everyday life. sure i need and desire his peace in the big decisions/moments we encounter but this year i would love to see it during the daily grind.

i’m going to need God’s courage to…move my family across an ocean to Uganda. to not worry constantly about judah’s safety. to be humble and broken in community…. just to name a few.

this year i hope to let go of… expectations.

this year i hope I can hold onto….the hope that another world really is possible and if i can just quiet myself for a moment I could see she is on her way.

one dream i have for 2010 is…to see my fam (sis, mom, dad) at some point dance with the Acholi.

happy 2010… the pic above was taken just moments after the new year. judah was sleeping upstairs during the most amazing new years party with our friends here in new haven. he woke up just in time to dance in the new year with mama and papa (and then we raced home to get him to bed)!

my little monkey

2009-12-19T03:33:00.000-08:00

well....little man. you're 2! (although when asked you will copy your friend fender and giggle stating that you're 2 and a half). at any rate, you're 2! and you are amazing. i can't believe how much you have grown and changed this year. from walking (you started that last christmas eve), to talking up a storm and now running around playing cars, trucks and "wrestling" with your papa. you have changed from my baby to a little boy.

i can't help but think of all our adventures this year from new york to colorado, minnesota and boston, you're year has been full. a whole lot more "firsts" came this year; from your first hair cut, your first girl-friend (the lovely evie girl) and all your first songs that you know by heart (my favorite one when you just spontaneously started singing head-shoulders-knees and toes at the dinner table. spaghetti sauce got EVERYWHERE but it was adorable). you can count to 10 (papa makes you every time you really want something and you need to be a bit patient) AND you can make every animal sound there is (on command, i might add)

you picked your first blueberries, apples and pumpkins this year (all of them you attempted to eat while still on the orchard). you now chase your sister, (emma the dog) around and around and around the house. you tell me to go away when you want to do something "naughty" like jump in the bath tub or climb up to find the chocolate chips. and now when you don't want to do something like get put in your car seat or get your shoes on you look me straight in the eye and say "no mama, that's not funny."

oh little man, i hope you have an incredible day and an other adventure filled year. you're about to wake up and discover your birthday tree has come, eat pancakes in the shape of a j, wear the cutest little monkey hat for your 2nd birthday party (you insisted on having a monkey party....either that or a truck but mommy got excited about the monkey party that could have a cake shaped just like a monkey...which only mostly looks like a monkey) and play with some of your new pals. i love you my little monkey, judah!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you! (just so you can see how big you are now...here you are 2 year ago today!! told you you're SO big!)

Picture Perfect...

2009-11-28T17:43:00.000-08:00

We were in the city again last weekend. I was down there for work, helping out with a church service and then we wanted to see Emma Thompson’s exhibit “Journey.” Along the way we got to catch up with an old college friend, Marg and then get some good family time: just me and my two boys.

On the way back to the car from a long day we decided to spend a little extra time in the city and walk the Brooklyn Bridge. It had been a gorgeous day. The sun was setting it was a warm 65 degrees. As we were walking across the bridge staring up at the city lights and the beautiful sunset, I just had a moment of “Oh my gosh, this is my life. I am so blessed. I can’t believe this is my life.”

We strolled the bridge and I had the brilliant thought, “We should let Jude out of his stroller and let him walk with us across the bridge.” I took him out and grabbed his little hand. We walked together. It was a beautiful moment. I turned to Kimbal and asked if he would take a picture of Jude and I on this perfect picture moment. I scooped Judah up in my arms to take the picture… AND HE WAS SOPPING WET!

In the journey that day we let the cloth diaper go a little too long and he totally wet his pants. I thought about just dealing with the diaper and wardrobe change on the other side of the bridge but that was quickly knocked down at the fact that if I let him walk the bridge with sopping wet pants, surely something will get chaffed (don’t you love my first thought was not about the sanitary issue here but that my son might get a chaffed behind).

So we pulled over to the side on a bench on the Brooklyn Bridge and changed that little man’s diaper and clothes. I am sure all the tourists walking the bridge that day LOVED us, ruining their picture perfect moment on the bridge AND I am sure some day Judah will love the story about how we had to change his diaper on the bridge.

After the fiasco was over Kimbal snapped a shot of me and my little man, and I thought “THAT’S more like it!! This is my life. I am so blessed!” Here’s to picture perfect moments…that include a diaper change along the way!

The world through the Eyes of Judah...and Louis CK

2009-11-20T06:13:00.000-08:00

We headed to Denver yesterday and Judah couldn't have been more excited. He has flown before but this time was different because he actually made the connection "WAIT, I am in an AIRPLANE. The AIRPLANE is flying IN THE SKYE. THEREFORE I AM FLYING IN AN AIRPLANE IN THE SKYE." He just couldn't get over it. He didn't sleep the whole flight. He would doze off for a few seconds and the jolt awake and talk a mile a minute about the fact he was flying. It was adorable (once I got over the fact that he wasn't going to sleep all day)!

It reminded me of this video and I just had to post it...As a reminder from Judah how we should all feel about all the AMAZING things going on in our world...

So HAPPY FRIDAY!

peace...

2009-11-02T18:32:00.000-08:00

what is it about a few moments with my guitar, my voice and a heart that is desperate for a moment with the Lord?

i still can't figure out what it is about song that can flip my heart, but it does. i also don't know why it takes me so long to come to a point where i pick up my guitar, lift up my voice and sing...

a heavier weight...

2009-10-28T15:21:00.001-07:00

i need a glass of wine....i have a headache....my mind is racing...my heart huts...and i feel sick.

today this article was sent out in the office (it is about a 15 year old girl who was gang raped for 2 hours outside her school dance while nearly 20 bystanders stood by and did nothing). i read it at my computer and i immediately felt overwhelmed, teary, mad. with each sentence my heart broke and questions arose. granted, working for a human rights group i hear horror stories all the time, but there are moments that i am just flat overwhelmed. today is one of them. as i read the article swear words came under my breath and i just wanted to hit something (great for my non-violence stance :)). questions just fly in one after another....

HOW CAN THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN? how often do things like this in our world happen? would i be a bystander and not intervene in injustice if i were to stumble upon it on the street? do i stumble on injustices now that i am just a bystander? HOW CAN WE BE SO FAR OFF????? how did we get here? am i making a difference? what do we do? is it possible to end this? God, where are you? HOW DO WE END THIS????

the hows and whys become unbearable.

in the middle of all of this i am haunted by this simple reality... i am attached to this humanity! it is the same spectrum that mother theresa, mlk, my son, my friends, my family sit. it is all the same humanity! the potential for both horror and splendor in my neighbor and in me. i am in the mess. i am a part of the mess.

there is a quote by cs lewis that i have always loved. its meaning has morphed and changed over the years. it is shifting into a deeper meaning. i think of it today. in light of all this. the weight of glory, the angst for His kingdom, the yearning for redemption is strong in my heart tonight...so i remember what lewis once said:

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners--no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses."

cs lewis, weight of glory

i am left undone today. the stakes feel high and the task even more impossible. and all i know how to do is continue to pray, maybe today with more desperation...jesus, come....i pray. in me, in this city, in the broken, in the abused, in the oppressed and the oppressor..in this world. your kingdom come your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

...a new bedtime ritual

2009-10-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

my son is into this new bedtime ritual.

we read a book, sing a song, pray. then one by one we say good night to all the stuffed animals in his crib. (good night elmo, ni-ni larry, good night monkey, ni-ni mr bear...) then i end with a ni-ni judah and a couple of good "i love you more than i ever thought possible" kisses...

that has always been the routine...

and now this new piece has emerged... as i walk out the room i hear this "one more kiss mommy" and with out fail, i walk back in the room give that little man one more "i love you more than i ever thought possible" kiss and close the door.

i hope that exchange sticks around for awhile...

Thanks to Fairmont, MN...the middle of nowhere!

2009-10-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

So I’m in the middle of nowhere Minnesota. It is cold! I’m staying by myself at a little Hampton Inn. I walked across the street last night to grab a bite to eat. I had to choose between McDonalds, Perkins and Green Mill. I choose Green Mill (I’ve never heard of it before but it is big in these parts…Just a restaurant/bar place like Chili’s).

I walked in and the place was pack with MN Twins fans cheering and cursing during the Twins/Yankees game. I sat at the bar, ordered a local-ish brew (some brew from Wisconsin) and a bite to eat. I watched the game.

I don’t watch baseball. I don’t like to watch baseball. A few years ago I got on the bandwagon when the Rockies went to the World Series (will be on the wagon again this year J) and I don’t mind going to games because it usually means 3 things: friends, hot dogs and a cold beer. But that is it! I don’t watch baseball!

I watched baseball last night, next to a few new friends from the middle of nowhere MN. I sat next to two best friends who have known each other since college. We chatted. They could tell I wasn’t from around here and asked what brought me here. I told them I was here for work, what I did (working for an anti-slavery organization isn’t generally good dinner/bar conversation). They asked questions. The engaged the issue a bit (of course in between huge cheers and four letter yelps). I asked them what they were up to this weekend. DUCK HUNTING, they told me. I joked with them telling them I had only hunted ducks with Nintendo way back when, but that I was a good shoot! We laughed. It was nice…

Our conversation ended and the two friends just continued to chat. I watched the screen but continued to eves drop on their conversation. They talked about 3 things: baseball, duck hunting and life. For the most part it was classic bar talk. Swear words. Making fun of each other. I smiled.

In the middle of this conversation an amazing moment took place. One of the guys looked to his friend and said “They found a heartbeat. It is amazing! They finally found a heartbeat.”

His friend looked at him with a huge grin that communicated more than ANY words could and said, “F@$% yeah. They did. You must be ecstatic. After everything you have been through. It is amazing. They found a heartbeat!”

He looked up and just said, “yeah. We are so f@$%ing excited!”

That was the end of the conversation…they went back to watching the game.

I sat at the bar and just felt good. I haven’t spent much time in small town USA. I grew up in the burbs, but it wasn’t a small town like this. I think in a lot of ways I maybe judge the level of engagement in places like this. Thinking the simplicity isn’t as good as complexity. Or a laid-back spirit isn’t as good as the go-getter change the world thing in me. I am so wrong.

In that moment I found myself noticing the little things in my life. The details, the simplicity, the small miracles I miss every day…

...like the heartbeat of a little baby in his mother’s womb (my son is a miracle)…the miracle of breath and life (we breathe in and out something we can’t see yet that is the very thing that sustains us)

…of ducks that swim and fly (birds are built to defy the laws of gravity!! That is just crazy when you think about it)

...of the food we eat and how it actually grows (any time I look across a field of corn, or crops, I am amazed! I mean seriously, things grow out of the dirt with water and sun. We can put big words on it that make us feel like we understand it all, like photosynthesis, but it is still a miracle it actually happens!)

…and the one I often miss the most is the miracle of friends, family and love (yes there is a WHOLE LOT that is wrong in the world. We hurt each other…YET we love each other too. It is a miracle that we actually have each other. We depend on others for our species to literally survive. REALATIONSHIP itself is a miracle.)

Thanks Fairmont, MN for reminding me of the simple truths and miracles that this life contain… Jesus, would you give me eyes to see them all again today!

i am in love with this...

2009-09-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

this is the most amazing thing EVER!

this makes me thrilled to live in the world we do. tap your feet at your desk today, twirl in the park, or dance barefoot in the kitchen cooking dinner tonight! make today a good day!

love the one your with

2009-09-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

its not news to anyone that sometimes i can be looking towards the next thing, the next move, making something better, doing something different, etc. in the middle of this constant drive it is so good for me to take a moment, pause and look around. there is so much around me i am utterly thankful for. when i take the moment to pause i see what there is to love right here, right now. Here are a few of those things:

i just rummaged the house looking for chocolate…i love chocolate so much that i settled on a handful of dark chocolate chips for dessert. my mom used to do that. i am so my mother, which isn’t a bad thing. i love my mother.

i really love this apartment. it is small and cozy, just enough room for all of us (and open so judah can run around and around and around in circles). it is light and has cute pillows (both these features I love about 8am in the morning when I am drinking coffee on my little window bench seat).

i am falling more and more in love with the two boys in my life. the first because he continues to love me despite about a billion reasons why he shouldn’t these days (and is starting to dance with me more randomly in the kitchen to regina spektor and other amazing artists i heart) and the second because he says this “thank you, mommy” thing right now that just melts my heart.
i love my buffs (that's the university of colorado buffalos for you non-college football fans)...even when they loose. even when i can't watch every game...i still just think they are the best(which also reminds me i just love fall and watching too much football!!)

i love new haven, ct. so many say this city is hard, that is true. so many say this city is strange, that is true. yet there is something about it that i just like, i just love…

o the relationships…there are lots of really good people that we love here.

o the architecture…both old and new, ghetto and chic.

o the big city/small town feel…I know you think its not possible, come and visit, you’ll see.

o the scent of fall in the air and hot drinks…especially the $1 coffee from atticus, pumpkin spice lattes from starbucks and honey ginger lemon tea from JoJo’s.

o the diversity… race, age, ethnicity, nationality, socioeconomic, class, education…I am constantly reminded of how complex, different and beautiful this world is

o the location…beach 10 min. new york city 1.5 hours. mountains in vermont 3 hours. boston 2.5 hours. rhode island pretty wave beaches 1.25 hours. (ok so the 24 hour ride to co is a little rough).

o the guys who plays his guitar & harmonica every morning…outside atticus on my way to work.

o the food… picking my own blueberries, crème brule, the best pizza in the US, lithuanian coffee cake, thai taste, mamoons, the mini loaves of bread from clairs, the pantry, romeo & cesars, fresh lobster rolls…bittersweet chocolate ice cream from ashley’s…should i keep going. i am hungry again for some reason!

i love #146. without a name, or picture and just a number and a story to me, this child on the other side of the world has captured my heart. these last months working with love146 i have learned about this issue of child sex slavery and exploitation. i have cried. i have wanted to scream, throw up, hit someone. i have laughed with co-workers (hearting things such as the @deskofjoy and @deskdoom wars, yummy new team lunches and conversations that make my head hurt). i have seen the impossible happen in restoration. while the learning curve has been steep and i feel like i am barely making it up the slope, i have appreciated engaging with a group of people that believes it isn’t only possible to end child sex slavery and exploitation but also leap willingly into the ranks to do so.
i really love fresh yoga, particularly pegs 10 am class on sundays mornings… i know it is probably heretical for me to say it but i like it being a steady sunday morning ritual. which also brings me to another point i love the fact that the church we are going to is on Sunday evening, 4pm. perfect time, perfect place and the people who go there are pretty sweet too…just trying to be people that love god and love their neighbor…so it’s a good fit, yoga for sunday morning church, church for sunday evening church.

i love friends…old and new, from colorado, to connecticut and london…if i take three seconds to pause and see a few faces in my mind, call a friend on the phone or spend full days touring the ends of the earth (ok, so it was just pieces of the east coat but it felt like so much more than that!) i quickly realize that what i am most grateful for today is this group of people i love and call friends.

mother theresa once said, “being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, i think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.” so i really have nothing to complain about…my tummy’s filled with bittersweet chocolate chips, and my life, a whole lot of really great people...including my hubby who just walked in the door and my little one is fast asleep in the other room.

drones...

2009-08-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

so yesterday i walked into the kitchen and my hubby was reading this article (http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2009/08/drone-strike-apparently-kills-pakistan-taliban-chief/). i saw that it was an article from wired mag and when it comes to articles about gadgets and the like i am quick to shut down. big words and random new gizmos usually keep me from engaging when he is reading this magazine. i asked him (admittedly, not really caring), "hey, what are you reading?" and he replied, "oh, this article about UAV's and killing the taliban."

now, i have seen the movies. i guess i live in some strange world where i just think that most everything i see on tv isn't actually happening. up until this point that's what i thought about little machines running around, fighting our battles for us. we chatted a few minutes about the article and left it at that.

however, it has really got me thinking. there has been this nagging question in the back of my mind all day....shouldn't something that one believes is worth killing for be worth risking their own lives for as well? mind you this comes from my idealistic, pacifist, non-violent "can't we just all get along" heart. however, it is an important question to ask. i'm beginning to really think that there may be things that one should be willing to die for, but so little (if anything) that one should be willing to kill for. this whole drones, UAV, robot warfare thing seems to be the opposite. when it come down to it i guess i just wonder, if we are going to be fighting this war, shouldn't we fight it and not let r2d2 do our dirty work?

a brown necklace

2009-08-14T11:26:00.001-07:00

it was nearly 20 months ago that i got this amazing necklace. a few days after judah was born my dear friend carolyn came over bearing christmas gifts. it snowed a lot the week of christmas that year, so snow covered the ground. a christmas tree with all the right"trimmings" and this new little baby boy accompanied our gift exchange. she brought a bright orange monkey and a book, "la estrella de navid," for the new one. for me, i got this cute red sweater vest and this amazing brown necklace.

i barely made it out of bed that day for the gift exchange. i was still in the same polka-dotted robe and red flannel pajama pants that i had worn for days (it would be the standard outfit for weeks to come). i was tired and still in some pain from the hardest and most beautiful thing i had done in my life to that point, giving birth to a son.

i snuck upstairs after our gift exchange to put away all the new treasures. i remember the moment so clearly. i went to put the necklace away in the bathroom. just before i did, i draped it around my neck and looked at my self in the mirror. i began to cry. i cried because i was pretty sure i would never be at a place in my life where i would wear the necklace again. all i could see in that moment was this new life that had been flipped on its head overnight. i cried because i wasn't sure when the 3 hour "naps" would be over. i cried because learning how to breast feed (something i thought would be far more "natural" than it really was), take care of and love this new little life was so much harder than i thought before. i wasn't sure that night if i would ever get out of my polka-dotted bathrobe. i was scared, tired and felt alone. the next weeks would be the hardest of my life. in no way were they the glamorous "motherhood" moments i had dreamed of just weeks before when this little life was just kicking inside me. i felt defeated. i put the necklace in my jewelry box and walked away. a feeling of despair welled up inside me.

yesterday, i wore the necklace. i didn't even think about it when i put it on. it was during the middle of our "morning routine" (getting juice, drinking coffee, making oatmeal and sitting around the kitchen table) when the memory of that moment in the bathroom came to me. i paused for a moment and smiled. i made it. we made it. there was a hilarious toddler in the background saying "thank you mommy" that proved it.

there have been moments this past month were i have had a similar feeling of despair. it was good to be reminded of god's faithfulness in that moment. it caused me to pause for the day and intentionally remember just where i have come from. god has been so faithful. "oh you of little faith, just believe," echos in my ear today and begs me to have a posture towards thankfulness.

...dancing shoes...

2009-08-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

so the last few weeks have been a little rough. not going to lie. i have felt off and stressed out. my brain is always going. trying to solve the issue that surround my world. usually pertaining to work and my place in this world (yes casey, some things never change). this means i have been on a journey trying to find the "who in me." i have been meeting with a friend/mentor to talk through and dig deeper into ME. we've been thinking through what i am good at, what i may need to work on and how to move and be closer to the person that god made me to be. (of course if you have thoughts or insight into this you are welcome to share...)

all of this to attempt to allow the "who" in me to dictate the "what" i put my energy towards. it is a no brainer that i am passionate particularly around issues of injustice and seeing the people of god arise to bring hope, life, healing and peace into the center of those places. i know i am getting close to a few really key elements of the who and what i'll spend some time focusing in on (although i have finally realized that this is probably a life long journey...so that has to be forward progress for me)! but in this process there have been moments of what i would call despair and a longing to just pull away...

and tonight we went dancing!

a group from the church we've been going to (ECV, elm city vineyard) had a salsa lesson/dance party for their home group and invited us. it was strange dancing with a bunch of people that i don't really know yet, learning a few new moves in salsa (i've been begging kimbal to take salsa lessons for oh about 6 years now) and just having this moment of letting go.

the salsa dancing eventually turned into a tour through music and the classics of each era (including the key dances during those times) we laughed historically while doing the running man and roger rabbit to a myriad of 80's one-hit-wonders. i've never been a great dancer but i have always loved to bust a move. it was nice. i was reminded to stop in the midst of this world and just dance. hopefully that will be a good thing to remember in this process of discovering me. knowing i'm one who needs to stop, dance and let go...not to mention that it in so many ways it encompasses the world we are fighting, hoping, waiting for.

so in your kitchen, shower, or with baby in arm turn the radio up and in the words of young MC "bust a move."

to be a mother...

2009-05-31T11:37:00.000-07:00

maybe it's because i have been traveling so much....maybe it's because life is finally starting to settle into reality here...maybe its because my son is so freakin cute...maybe it's just because...

i have been doing some thinking about being a mom and working. the last days i have felt a little strange. i have a feeling that i am starting to miss out on something. judah is at this amazing place where he is walking and talking and laughing and growing and i have this sense that i am missing it. confused because i know that god ever so clearly called me into this place where i am working my dream job AND living out specific pieces of what make up the very fabric of my soul...but nothing is so important that i want my own flesh and blood to feel abandoned in the pursuit of it. so i have bee thinking about it all...

and now here is the catch...i think that is isn't what is actually happening that is causing me to fret. i think that all the thinking about what's next has been causing me angst. the thought "should i be home with judah," "am i a bad mom for not being home" or "how can we adopt or grow our family AND have me work" or as kimbal looks for work in his calling i think "is it a bad thing to send judah to day care" or "is this an all or nothing thing-day care OR being at home."

i just spent the last hour searching on the web for advise, article, blogs from a new perspective. all i could find were peoples defenses on their choice to stay home or work. there were loads of judgments about the "bad mom who chose her career over her kids" or the "out of touch mom who gave up her career to be at home." so much shame, guilt for all of these amazing women who want the same thing: to love their kids and feel like they are contributing to this mess of a world.

kimbal and i have been thinking that there has to be another way. we want to take this dual responsibility of parenting and raising children seriously. we both want to be in the middle of what god has for us in bringing his kingdom in not only this world but our family. i want to be a good mom and a women that inspires people to pursue a life the love of god and neighbor and self. i want to be a part of building the kingdom at home and for the orphan and widow. i might be off my rocker and just need to realize that there isn't enough of me to go around OR there has to be a new way of thinking, living and being that allows for mothers and fathers to fully engage their families and their callings/careers.

thoughts!?!? is there a third option between kids being raised in day-care and one parent fully being at home? what could it look like? what role do fathers have in the conversation?

i'll leave you with a pic of the one who day by day is stealing this heart of mine.

the collective SHOUT...

2009-04-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

so at the anti-slavery organization i work for, love146, we have this term we call the collective shout. it is one of the things that we think needs to happen for this horror to end. we define it as one voice added to another added to another getting a bit louder and a bit stronger until all that is heard everywhere is "ABOLITION & RESTORATION."

my voice joined this shout about 4 years ago. sometimes i have screamed it and others i have whispered it but ever since i heard stories of children being forced into sexual slavery i haven't really been silent about it.

well this last week i didn't shout, or whisper but tweeted to bring abolition. for those that don't know twitter is this strange social networking site where you can "tweet" to your friends about what you are doing, ask them what they are doing and share "thoughts" (the catch is that each "tweet" can only be 140 characters). i signed up to have a twitter account for the first time on wednesday afternoon (you can follow me if i stick with it at @believe146). why?

hugh jackman, aka wolverine from x-men, sent out a twitter about 10 days ago that said he would give $100,000 to a person's favorite charity IF they would have to convince him of course by using 140 characters or less. so in the last week hugh received thousands upon thousands of tweets from all of these amazing people highlighting some of the most amazing work that is going on in the world today.

we decided to join in and tweet for love & abolition. kind of last min and a bit of an experiment for us, we jumped in with a strategy to get people to tweet hugh at 1:46 EST for a couple of days. we were AMAZED. hundreds upon hundreds of people tweeted and tweeted and tweeted. shouted and shouted. love146 was followed that day by thousands upon thousands of people. we had spikes in our web site. clever slogans came and made their appeal to mr jackman. people tweeted for us all through the night. the "twitter voice" for abolition was much much louder than we were expecting. we were shocked. a collective shout could be heard.

i sat in the office friday listening to the ryan seacrest morning show (were hugh would announce the winner). and...we didn't get it...two amazing organizations ended up splitting the prize because hugh couldn't decide between the two (charity water & operation of hope). both organizations i am extremely grateful exist and got some $ friday ... kids need clean water and deserve a beautiful, sparkling smile...

although grateful that the kingdom is being built through this there was this feeling of "shucks" and a sense of just being bummed out. the work of abolition is hard. it isn't cut and dry like digging a well and watching thousands of people get clean water from it. YES we have stories of hope and restoration. we have seen children who shouldn't smile ever again play, dance and embody joy in the flesh. but the fight to end this feels tricky and SO much is required. we need a people who challenge current systems and structures, who change the way they spend money, who challenge sexual addiction, pornography and the reason why we place so little value on a child. we need business men & women to be a voice to their co-workers, families to radically engage the foster care system. we need a social movement and change where all take a stand and shout, scream, tweet and live "ABOLITION." it can be done. i am sure of it now but the road is long and i am beginning to see that it requires much more than even i want to give sometimes...oh, jesus, help me, help us. sustain me, sustain us!

i read this quote the other day and i wanted to pass it along to all of you who shouted with us this week AND who have shouted with us over the years and will continue to do so even if hugh jackman isn't doing some charity giveaway! i found it in a book, the impossible will take a little while (a collection of short essays, poems, etc all with a focus towards social justice, social change and hope). in one of the essays a women is telling a story about a conversation she had with her friend. her friend works in suicide prevention and had been walking alongside someone for awhile who had just completed suicide. sad, frustrated and "bummed out" (much more so than i was on friday!!) her friend looked at her and made this statement:

"you know i cannot save them. i am not here to save anyone or save this world. all i can do-what i am called to do- is plant myself at the gates of Hope. sometimes they come in;sometimes they walk by. but i stand there everyday and i call out til my lungs are sore with calling and beckon and urge them toward beautiful life and love"

here's to some sore lungs and staying planted at the gates of Hope...even if mr jackman didn't send his $100,000 through the gates... PEACE & ABOLITION!!!

...justice and praise...

2009-04-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

tuesday night i found myself in a youth group outside NYC. i was there with the president of the anti-slavery organization i work with to present to a group of students about what is going on in our world today and what they could do about it. my weeks have been filled looking at the ins and outs of this horrid scene that exists today WHILE traveling to different speaking venues with one of my mentors watching him "pitch" our orgainization to churches. really it has been amazing if i sit and think about it. i have heard the same message about a thousand times now and each time i am looking at it from the lense "how can i share this story? how can i engage the church to respond to this injustice?" what an awesome opportunity...

well i stood there in an all too familiar place. the room was PACKED with kids. filled with a diverse group. much more racially diverse than any crowd i probably have sat in. it was absolutly beautiful. kids scurried in, the music started and the youth pastor proceeded to call the kids that weren't "in to it" to the front of the room to teach everyone else how to clap. the kids would blush and then ham it up. some things never change in youth ministry! :) the room was crazy! i am sure if you have ever sat in a youth group with loud guitars and funky, messy, beautiful teens you know just what i am talking about.

i felt a wee-bit akward in the room, the music was familiar and yet my heart felt far from it. i prayed for the group that god would be preparing their hearts to hear his message that night. that they would see this issue and know how close it was to the heart of god and that kids would become empowered to respond. a few songs went by and i found myself sitting down "reading" my bible to avoid singing. another song went by and i forced myself to stand again to sing...and then a chorus hit me... (maybe a pre-chorus but who cares right!?!?)

...let JUSTICE and PRAISE become my embrace...

my eyes welled up just a tad but my heart was shattered...my vision has gone arry these weeks...maybe these months...probably these years. in the midst of this seach for justice and peace (that god is TOTALLY for), i have managed to forget the tension that justice rests upon...praise, light, life...of course there have been moments when i have praised god and others over the years but they are becoming few and far between. it is beginning to feel "uncomfortable." and rather in all things giving thanks and praise in most things i have given critique with an occasional horray.

as i sit here on this good friday i am remembering the cross, the justice, sacrifice, judgment, that came down upon jesus. that it was the cross that was needed to make right. yes it was a huge display of god's unending mercy for us but it was this place where he screamed "enough, IT IS FINISHED." and died. so much of what i long for is god to arise and bring justice. for his bride to awake and bring justice into the world...which IS his hope too...

sunday is a few days away and the resurecction is coming. i often wonder what the resurecction actually looked like. my hunch it was this big fat moment of complete praise in hevean and inside a little tomb on earth. a reminder of who it is that we seek and how amazing he is. goodness, light, life at a full in one moment. oh, what my heart longs for forever... why we seek justice... care for the poor... clean up the earth... take orphans, widows and the oppressed under our wing... the other tension is praise.

on tuesday, i had a moment of remembrence. and longed to be a person that was known for embracing justice and praise...love. maybe that's where love is, where the two intersect...

jesus, may justice and praise become my embrace to love you from the inside out.

musings on prayer

2009-04-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

"the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (james 5:16)

i have been thinking a lot about prayer. yes, probably because i am now responsible for putting out a monthly prayer letter to those we call our "prayer partners" (you can sign up here if you are into that praying thing). it is focused on bringing people up to speed with our projects and asking them to petition the throne of god for his favor to rest on them. "magically" the sermon kimbal and i watched the other day "happened" to have a focus on prayer (you can check that out here if you are into that watching sermons on-line thing). pastor boyd had an in depth sermon focused on many of the questions i struggle with. faith, prayer, and how that interacts with massive injustice occurring on our planet. he talks about how he often gets confused and sometimes frustrated unsure of the place that prayer holds in bringing the kingdom come on earth.

i understand his frustration. it is hard. sometimes i feel like i pray for something and god responds. people need a job and out of the blue a job comes their way. a couple prays for the child they long for and somehow god responds and they end up with a beautiful child (who i might add is hilarious right now. he is into dancing. and does the cutest little butt shake thing. i'll have to post that soon). jesus prayed for healing and people walked away healed. and yet...

yet there are moments when we pray and pray and don't get the job we need, or the child that we are longing for...and then you throw in a massive injustice like the sexual slavery and exploitation of children and mix that with "ask and you shall receive"...and i wonder what role prayer plays. i know that hundreds of people pray for abolition. and yet...it remains. in many cases it grows. and i wind up confused and frustrated and wondering what the heck is going on.

we as followers of jesus are told to pray always, in all situations and that our father listens AND responds. that the father we pray to longs for life, love and justice to flow over this earth like water the sea... we are reminded often that the prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective... and yet... there is this question in my heart that aches, "is it?!?!"

now i out of all people have been given proof time and time again that there is something to this prayer thing. proof that so many long to see that indeed god listens and responds. but somehow that faith doesn't seem quite big enough. my "proof" doesn't feel like a sufficient match to all the unanswered prayers, especially the ones that i am certain jesus longs answer (ones that come from the hearts of girls and boys caged in a brothel or the subtle cry from those literally starving to death).

i don't intend to answer many, if any, questions that are brewing in my mind HOWEVER the 3 points in the sermon i mentioned above seemed to nudge me to keep praying...

1. prayer isn't magic but warfare- when i pray i am not saying the right words at the right time with the right magic scriptures read all mixed together to bring about the will of god. i am actually engaging in an act of warfare. (something my pacifist heart loves to think about!) it is an active response, an active movement, and active pushing on the side of the kingdom.

2. faith isn't magic but vision- vision to see the kingdom of god and then continue to pray and believe (causing more warfare prayer-ness) that it actually has the ability to come. not a name it and claim it but a see it and keep fighting for it. jesus saw the kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. he had the faith, or correct vision to see it and fight for it until death.

3. somehow, someway the kingdom will come- this has always been spoken to me. from a "god is totally in control" to a "god is the bad.a. that will win cuz he is so awesome" mentality. accross the spectrum of faith, we are given the promise that life, love and justice will come...that the kingdom will come. it hardly makes sense to me but something in me feels at peace. a longing peace...

with those three points in mind...i want to be one who prays. and i want to encourage more of us to pray. i want us to see a world that is free and push on our knees until it comes to pass...

our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. thy kingdom come. they will be done on earth as it is in heaven. give us today our daily bread and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever... (the prayer of a very righteous man...powerful and effective...come jesus.)

what barbie and i have in common...

2009-03-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

alright so i bet you'll never guess what this adorable piece of plastic and i have in common...i found out this week while reading a magazine. i was floored...barbie and i share the same birthday. yup! today barbie turns 50!!! 50 freakin years old. you must admit that she ages super well. being 50 she always has looked more like 18 (guess i should figure out who her plastic surgeon is...ok, done with the cheesy humor).

forever i think i wanted to share something with barbie. and this year i found out that i always have. i was a HUGE barbie fan growing up. i know many folks that like to shy away from their barbie loving years but i probably played with barbie until some ridiculous age where my mom had to hide her in the closet and i realized it wasn't cool to pretend to date ken anymore...i loved her. i think i had this love hate relationship with her though. on one hand i loved her because she was pretty, had some great accessories and in my imagination i could live vicariously through her. i, however, did join the thousands of little girls that some where deep down felt a whole bunch of pressure to be her. and well, this curly haired brunette just never quite added up to the fake doll. of course i never knew directly that barbie hindered my self esteem. i didn't cry in my room as a teen because i didn't look like her BUT i think that the image of what it meant to be beautiful somehow burned in my mind...

it has taken years of searching and thought to undo my paradigm of beauty. i have seen some unbelievably beautiful people in my world. i have modeled my life, clothing and hair style after them and the barbies on the screen (i only went blond for a few months and then realized that was just silly!)...and over the years i think i have begun to see what real beauty looks like...and i am convinced that it is rarely seen on a barbie doll.

but...

in the eyes of my best friend on her wedding day as they glowed in awe of the faithfulness of jesus...in the beautiful heart of one who would lay herself down to learn what it looks like to truly choose the love of someone...in the sacrifice of my mother who choose to give me the world while loosing so much of it for herself...in the sweet giggle coming from a downstairs room as "i love lucy" echoed in the back ground...in the persistence of a young women who month after month of getting her heart broken says "lets keep trying"...in the patience of a young mom teaching her son how to draw a bus...in a grandmother who has chosen to take her grandchildren and love them as first borns...in the broken heart that chose to let herself love again, even if it meant significant risk...in a body of jesus who threw themselves into a burning apartment building to make sure everyone was safe...in the dark eyes of the little uganda girls laughing just for the fun of it...a mother who sees all the broken as her own...in the tears of an indian prostitute who just wanted to know how her kids were doing...in the smile of a little girl in a photo that burns in my mind who many see as 146...

beauty is indeed all around and in the eyes of the beholder. over the years i have had the opportunity to behold so much beauty. this year i turn 28 and this year i am convinced that i will get to behold so much more. i will have the opportunity to restore, create, empower and seek beauty. i was joking with kimbal the other day as we talked about my official "start date" with love146 being my birthday. i told him that it was very significant to me...that this year, beginning today, i am now working with a group of people passionate and brilliant in the work of abolition and restoring beauty to its original intent (love146.org). what and amazing gift!

happy birthday to me!

today i sat in a staff meeting listening to ideas, thoughts, budget updates, etc...and i was overwhelmed for a moment that this is where i sat on my birthday...as i sat there i began to reflect on the journey i have had and all the beauty i have had the opportunity to hold in this life...i have held so much more than any blonde doll ever could!

so barbie, i am glad we share a birthday...but i am thankful that i haven't learned beauty from you...thank you to all of you beautiful women who continue to teach me what beauty is indeed all about! you, over the last 28 years, have been the image that i will spend my years modeling. i love you. you make me smile!

...on the road to home...

2009-03-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

...so it was 10 days ago that we said good-bye to denver and began the road-trip out east to a new beloved city, new haven...it was nearly a month ago that we packed up all our stuff and loaded it in a truck so our house could make its way to our new home (which i might add is STILL sitting in some warehouse in denver that will HOPEFULLY be coming this weekend...if it doesn't come soon i may have all you denver faithful riot the warehouse and drive it out here for us!!! oh bummer you would be here sooner than expected :))

...anyway, since we left denver, and our house we have had quite the adventure. before officially leaving town we got the opportunity to hang out in junction with kimbal's family where i officially became the kurtz wii bowling champ (i can't say the same for tennis). we spent some great time with the kiddos, his parents and some family friends. we then moved in with my mom for a week of fun in denver and tying up all our loose ends. we learned we had too many loose ends and should have lived with my mom for much longer with all the free babysitting and GREAT time with friends...and then we said good-bye.

the trip out here we reminisced about our lives, loves and losses in denver. we spent much of the time thinking, talking and attempting to wrap our minds around the fact that we just packed up and moved. we dreamed about what this could look like and chatted over theories of LOST along the way. judah was a rock-star and hardly needed any "help" in the back seat. he just seemed to be content with all of us in one little car (emma in the back seat with him), his toothbrush always in hand and jingling his bells to the music. i was amazed! i had a moment while judah was sleeping where i just glanced back SO thankful he was with us. he has brought a fullness, a richness and just plain fun to my world...ahh!

we stayed at homes and hotels along the road. the hotels were fun because we had to find spots where emma was welcome! emma just loved staying with us, and sleeping on all the hotel furniture. she just fit right in! omaha, ne was a thrilling experience eating with the hoins' clan, watching some good old husker basketball (i'll admit it made it much easier to watch when they ended up loosing the game, i had a piece of homemade peach black-berry pie in my hands, and i got to see some amazingly hilarious photos of mr. zach hoins growing up ! love you, z! thank you leah and dan for all your hospitality. you give a very clear picture of what the gift of hospitality looks like.

we did attempt a little family challenge...eating local. (now by this i don't mean eating loca-vore, only eating foods that are grown and made locally but rather trying to stay away from chains, drive and extra 5 miles to the small towns off the highway and eat at "ma & pa" spots along the way). it was so fun! i often thought of all you small town friends and wondered what life looked like growing up. in julesburg, co we ate at D & J's Cafe just as the local high school came for their lunch. we ate at a local pub with our dear friend in chicago and the friday night hang-out, Bulls Run Inn, in the cute quaint town of lewisberg, pa. however, i must give props to the best little cafe in newton, ia of all places. the cutest little cafe with AMAZING salads and mexican mochas, Uncle Nancy's Cafe. if ever happen to find yourself in the middle of iowa, do yourself a favor and visit!

the not so fun part of it all was when i got a winter-bug-cold thing somewhere in the middle of illinois. the last three days of the trip i had a painful fever, sore throat, and cough. kimbal was amazing! he made sure both judah and i were well taken care of and was filled with so much grace. it was an interesting experience pulling into new haven so sick i was hardly awake and trying to muster up the excitement of "we're here." i think both kimbal and i were disappointed in the initial moment. however, with sleep, some good time with friends, a classic east coast winter storm and a few hours in my new job we are warming up to this idea. today i was finding it hard to whipe this big goofy grin off my face that has me saying "this is so not my life...ahh!!" on this road it will be soon where i am saying "ahh!!! this is my life!"

a warm back

2009-03-01T13:33:00.000-08:00

i am sitting in our friends house. it is cold outside and we are supposed to get 8 inches of snow tonight and maybe another 6 tomorrow. i just spent a few hours touring around a city that will hopefully feel like home to us soon and my nose is still running from this nasty cold that has been holding onto me since chicago...

i just finished a cup of tea, and my back is near the pellet stove and that makes me smile. i am glad to be off the road. being in a warm house with friends, and watching our children play together is great medicine for someone with getting over a cold and homesickness...i love you denver and miss you! come play soon!

PS soon, i'll post about our roadtrip adventures...we did take some pictures and have a few stories to tell!

these are a few of my favorite things

2009-02-03T13:46:00.001-08:00

denver. colorado. home.

this city is home to me. i have lived in and around it my whole life. from my first steps in boulder to down south to graduating from DU a few years back to living in my first barn. this city is filled with memories, places, moments that i treasure. of course when you are in the thick of life it is hard to actually see your home for all that it is. and now life is moving me, my family somewhere new. two weeks from right now i will be in a new city, finding new treasures, family, friends and places to call my own...in this time of transition i have been lucky to sit. to observe. to remember life here, home. i thought i would gather some of my thoughts and share my spaces. a few of my favorite things. there is indeed so much i will miss. this place has been good to me. as i write i am not quite sure when i'll be home (visits of course!!) but i am not sure if this space will be my home . but i do know that it will always be a space where home is. where "welcome home" will always mean something to me. so here it is. a few of a little girls favorite things over the past 27 (almost 28 years!)

-the view from the playground on 16th and boulder (of course with jude smiling in the swing)
-walking to vitamin cottage to get my groceries
-1/2 coffee 1/2 hot chocolate @ ink cafe
-the sun coming through the windows at the starbucks in REI
-big fat biscuits from lucille's
-the artisan's center
-the red bud tree in our yard that we might not ever see blossum
-jude's window when the sun is shining through and his "bird" just look like shadows
-the schrug @ vita
-70 degree days in january

-the view from the top of keystone when the sun is shining and i am strapping my board on
-grandma and grandpa's 26th floor view
-the humanities gardens @ good old DU
- old school parker days...
-blueberry pancakes @ duo (with the yummy syrup)

-the "lake" :)
-the open mic at celebration
-our first barn
-dirty chai's with breakfast begals @ cafe cafe
-concerts at red rocks...oh my! so amazing!
-rio margaritas

-top row, section 203 folsom field (like it more when we are wining but i'll take it any fall day!)
-kids running through the fountain on pearl street
-pasquini's chocolate candle
-sunflower market
-lawson park
-mediterranean blt at gelman's
-the patio i've yet to eat in at potager
-jazz in the park
-the mistletoe hanging at the botanic gardens every holiday season

-the get-downer days
-97.3
-mexican chocolate ice cream @ little man
-the view from the exit just past lookout mountain
-better together happy cakes
-the chicago dog at mustard's last stand
-wash park in june and november
-all the microphones my voice has worshiped through (but mostly those folks i stood beside)
-the kurtz kabin in amazing norrie

my list could go on and on...as i sit and write i am still amazed by the home here and i am so quick to realize so much of the home is in the people i have discovered this place with! i love you!! you know all are!!! and instead of continuing it i am gonna go out and enjoy home (and all those people who will always be home to us) before we leave it!

i think i am a mother...

2009-01-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

so just a little over a year ago this little man walked into my world. actually he rudely shoved himself into my world and demanded everything of me. i will be the first to admit that on december 19, 2007 when our son judah was born i was not a mom. i mean, of course i had become a mother but it was hard. it was a struggle. i was often told by my own mother in the early days that there would come a day when i couldn't imagine life without jude and i would be willing to do anything for him.

early on i knew that should be true but it was hard. i had NO clue all that was included in the new role of motherhood. my life quickly broke down into 3 hour segments. the nights were shorter and days felt long. i should have been able to put him to sleep better, calm him when he cried...but it all was so anti-me. being home with him made our house feel empty and lonely. i continued to tell myself that being home with judah for this first year was indeed a privilage but i didn't always believe it.

day by day, 3 hour segment by segment this year squeeked by and now i sit and wonder where it has gone. i think about where a lot of things went; my free time, my life, my heart, me. taken. stolen. by this now 13 month old son...somehow the moments spent rocking wondering when he might fall asleep lead to the place where today i rocked him and held onto him a little longer. not quite ready to let go of him yet. his little laugh melts my stubborn heart. bath time, meal time and play time are mere peaks now into what i am sure is what life is meant to be. and the word mama trembling off his little lips when he wants to be held is enough for me. i am glad that "i" was stolen. "me" is no more. i have changed.

jude...my little love. thank you for taking me. with joy and a grateful heart, i am privilaged to be your mama.

election day 08

2008-11-04T08:32:00.000-08:00

so it is here...today! finally the nation will vote and decide who our next president will be. paramount history changing stuff. right!?!?

today i got a little reminder just how paramount it is. i was reminded that my president, my king, my lord had been decided long ago (over 12 years ago!) now don't get me wrong, i'll wear my "i voted" sticker today with a small sense of pride and gratefulness that this whole process involved me at all AND i'll continue to "root" for the guy that i believe is best for the job and reflects most of my beliefs on the world...AND i'll probably be a little bummed if my guy looses BUT how i live my life today or tomorrow or next week shouldn't be affected at all (an won't be) by the outcome of the race for neither candidate will put forth the kingdom of jesus policies that should reign in my life...granted BOTH candidates do have some kingdom principles and ideas embedded in their platforms AND BOTH candidates have huge holes in their platforms that completely disregard the kingdom, the least of these!!! Neither reaches the perfection of the sacrificial love jesus calls me to. neither reaches the bar for the pro-life, pro-love, pro-freedom, pro-inclusiveness, pro-equality, pro-mercy, pro-justice, pro-love god/love your neighbor like jesus political platform in matthew 5 or luke 4 (really all throughout his life!)

so if you are interested in shifting your focus today give this a listen! a little sermon given by greg boyd as a reminder what our lives as followers SHOULD be about today, November 4, 2008, election day AND tomorrow, November 5,2008. may history really be in the making, jesus would you rise your church!!!

http://media.whchurch.org/2008/2008-08-24_Boyd_Defying-Tanks.mp3

i am not my hair...a brief adventure with my locks...

2008-09-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

exactly one week ago today i sat down for a long evening of knotting. that's right, i sat down and got dreadlocks. our new friends from the live lightly tour came in town and since sara had such awesome locks and i have been talking about it for so long i decided that it was time to give it a shot. two years of talking (maybe even longer)... 6 hours and 50 some odd locks later, i had a new dew...

and last night i combed them all out. every last one of them.

this week has been crazy. it has been one of the more challenging weeks i have faced in a long time. the journey of these locks is short, but the week has taught me so much. i think that if i was honest the minute sara finished the first lock i knew. i looked at it and said to myself this isn't me. but i pushed on and carried through for the week because i wanted it to be me (or more appropriately i felt like it should to be me). i wanted to have them, be the kind of gal that carries then and does it so well. i wanted to be the girl who walked into kimbal's classy christmas dinner with funky shoes and dreads as to say, "i am different and i won't fit in."

but the moment they were on me something changed. my world was flipped upside down. i didn't feel right. i couldn't put my finger on what was happening in me but as the days went on the not feeling right morphed into an highly emotional state where i began lashing, fighting. i stared becoming different, thinking different. my insecurity was shining through and my heart was beginning to become weary and hard. the pressure of keeping them was heavy. i had set out to have them, i had talked about it, i had spent time and money doing it. i couldn't go back, stubborn? pride? commitment?... and yet, in my quiet moments playing with judah this week, walking down town, cooking dinner, the thought would just come in and i would think "i don't want this. i don't want them. this isn't me." i just wanted to take a shower, feel the water run down my scalp. i wanted to jump in the lake and go water skiing. i actually wanted my curls i haven't loved my whole life back. i felt i was an impostor, a fake. everyone kept telling me that they looked awesome, that it suited me, that i had the perfect hair to do it...but inside i was feeling something else.

it came down to two things last night...was this adventure like a fast. a fast from standard quo beauty. something physical that i was doing, sacrificing, that was teaching me something about myself about strength and beauty. was it challenging me to fight through it?

or on the flip side was it and adventure learning about who i am and who i am not. was it challenging me because it wasn't me but instead it was me ratting my hair in hopes that it would prove to everyone else (probably more myself) that i am like all the other radical, crazy, amazing jesus loving folks that have changed my thoughts on what it means to follow jesus. was it challenging because somewhere deep down inside i was hoping that doing something radical would make me radical, would make me significant, different and somehow i would feel more comfortable in my skin knowing that i was indeed "radical." as the saying goes (a popular one these days) you can put lip stick on a pig but it is still a pig...

maybe it was both. maybe there were lessoned to be learned on both sides of the choice...the one i learned (or am learning) is tough...maybe they both would have been.

the decision finally came to me last night when i was chatting with my amazing husband. kimbal wanted me to keep them, but he also wanted me to be able to go through whatever it was that i needed to go through in order to be at peace. randomly in the conversation he told me, "kellen, do want you to know that you are one of the strongest women that i know. and when you put your mind to something you do it. it is not will that lacks." i think he may have said them to encourage me to keep them but those words gave me the freedom to let go. i was reminded in that moment about running a marathon, having a baby, breast feeding, praying for weeks on end. commitment wasn't lacking. it was that wanting bit, that piece about knowing that i was either doing something that i really wanted or feeling convicted enough about it to keep pushing through. in an instant i felt peace and the ability to let them go...

that wasn't where the lesson was though. the lesson came in the torture of actually taking them out.

one by one i un-ratted everything. the same 6 hours and 50 some odd locks later. i began thinking and singing an old hymn...it is well, with my soul... i knew i was moving where i wanted to go. i felt peace that i hadn't all week. i didn't want them and i knew it. eventually the un-ratting became tiresome and my head hurt. tears swelled up in my eyes and i was in pain. that was the moment that the lesson came...

i never ever ever again want to be radical for the sake of radical-ness. i don't want to do radical things because they are radical. i want to follow jesus. the last three years have been hard. but i think that i have been waiting to do something radical, different for the sake of it rather than for him who has called us to it. the call of jesus is radical enough, i don't need to be doing things to make it more so. seriously just a quick glance at matthew 5-6 the radical call of jesus goes way beyond having hair that doesn't fit in. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE that is where jesus leads us. and if i sit and think about it long enough it isn't shane claiborn's dreads that draw me, it is the way he loves jesus and his neighbor. it isn't my dear sweet bess's crazy, funky-ness that draws me, it is jesus. they way she loves him and is secure in him.

i have felt insignificant, alone, afraid that this life is going to land in a place that is far far away from the desires of my heart and so i want to push it there. i want it to be radical, significant... if i could rat my hair maybe then my heart would be there. if i could give everything i have maybe then i would be there but i am told that it profits me nothing...for the greatest is love.

in my search for significance and radical-ness i haven't loved you all very well. i have been judgmental of where you are on my scale of radical. i have pushed things in church, in my home, in my marriage to fill that sense of radical not because they were always jesus...but when i got a piece of my different i wasn't very good at doing the most radical thing of all, being patient and kind and peaceful. i wasn't gracious, wise...love lacked. for this in the last week i am sorry, and over the years i am as well.

as a family we are talking about doing some crazy stuff...but i want to do those things because he calls us, not because they are crazy. i want to do them because my heart breaks and i can't help but move closer and love... in the meantime i want to learn what it means to love jesus, my son, my hubby, my friends...

i hear judah stirring, this mom is going to take her curly locks (a little dry and crunchy locks) and go upstairs, change a diaper! maybe if i actually do it in love i could change the world.

"we can do no great things only small things with great love" -mother theresa

The Luxury Fund

2008-09-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

ran across this today while i was catching up on some blogs...amazing idea...TOTALLY doable. check them out. it is about taking the "small" amounts of money that we spend on random luxuries through the day (coffee, ice cream, sodas, etc.) and tossing it in one big pot (the luxury fund) and redistributing it all over the world through organizations that are on the ground feeding the hungry, giving water to the thirsty, speaking up for the voiceless and setting captives free.

the justice that is injust

2008-08-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

so i have been wanting a rug for our front room for awhile. judah is just getting to the age where he is army crawling pretty much anywhere and on our hard wood floors he wiggles around and pretty much "sweeps" my floor picking up specs of junk along the way. our friends have a little one just a few days younger than jude and when we went over to the house she just plopped him down on their soft rug and went to do other stuff. the rug alone provided entertainment for both kiddos AND kept them somewhat clean and i can only imagine more comfortable.

anyway, this would all be great and i would have just gone out and bought this amazing shag rug from a local store EXCEPT i have this knowledge of the fact that much of what we buy as consumers in america is not just made with cheap labor but often SLAVE labor, and with children at that. rugs just happen to be one of the top commodities that we purchase that also have huge links to the modern day slave trade. here is where my problems, issues, quandaries come in.

i took this class awhile back on the modern day slave trade and learned about a group (rugmark, www.rugmark.org) that certifies that the rug you are buying did not use the little hands of children or slaves to make. really awesome! i did some research on their sight and found a few local dealers that happen to have a few of the rugs stashed in their collections. Three out of the floor places had rugs that were made by modern designers, REALLY cool but just wouldn't work in our room (although my architect hubby wishes we would have changed our entire house to a modern style so they would have). so i went to the fourth place on my list. the rug source of denver. sounds good right? well, not exactly.

i pulled up to a building (the design center of denver, right by the sculpture that looks like french fries, for you locals) and i quickly became aware that i might have an issue. i got my 8 month old out of the car and entered into the building. i walked past stores that i had NO clue really existed. i mean i thought HM Home and Room & Board really marked the high end for furniture. but that day i learned there indeed were places that sold gorgeous hand made dishes straight from italy, couches that no one would ever sit on and chandeliers that may cost more than my home. i should have turned around, but i wanted so badly to know that the purchase i was going to make for this rug was socially conscious and remembered those chained to rugs all across the globe. so judah and i continued walking.

we found the store. in it were amazing, beautiful intricate rugs. the shapes, colors, textures were unbelievable. i was soon met by a semi-friendly women who wanted to know if she could help me with something. i told her that i was on the quest to find a rug and that i didn't care about much but the fact that it was rugmark certified and wouldn't mind if it were less expensive. she humored me by continuing on the conversation and gave me the low down on which designers in their store were certified, however the condescending tone in her voice began to confirm my thoughts that i may just be in the wrong place. and then the question came..."are you working with a designer? in order to buy a rug from us you must have a designer." i told her we were not. she assured me that they could set me up with one if i would like, but i couldn't just purchase a rug. she also told me to feel free wandering around looking at the rugs.

it didn't take long for me and my little man to walk right out the door. the cheapest rug i saw was only a mere $4,000. i wondered how much more it would have been to pay my "designer" on top of that. there were others for $10,000, certified and not certified. i wondered which ones would still have the blood stains from the little fingers that were forced to weave them together if they hadn't been washed for our homes.

as i walked out the door and past the shops, i help my son and just wanted to cry. i felt like an idiot...for walking in there, for asking my questions, for wanting a rug, for caring, for not having a "designer", for having to have a "designer" to purchase a rug...and then it hit me. injustice is taking its toll through out attempts to make just decisions. it is like it knows the heart behind choices that we are trying to make (fair trade coffee, slave free chocolate, rugmark rugs) and flips the whole thing on its head where we are encountering a different kind of injustice.

it seems pretty freakin unjust to me to spend over $10,000 on a rug that we walk on. to spend $4,000 on something so you know that slavery wasn't involved in the weaving of the rug (what about the bricks that made the building where it was made or the cotton that was picked to make it...will it be another $4,000 to get that certified????). not to mention the fact that this nice amazing rug will be taken prisoner soon to a little toddler who will spill god-knows-what all over it, trample his muddy feet on it and i would probably find myself uptight and yelling at him to get off our nice rug. YIKES, local kellen-centerd-initiated-injustice! and all these decisions get even messier when you throw in the fact that i claim to be a follower of Jesus who said "whatever you do unto the least of these you do unto me." so would that mean spending my $4,000 on a certified rugmark rug while today tens of thousands of children will die because they didn't have enough to feed their bellies????

in his book, jesus for president, shane claiborne makes a comment about the revolution that it will take for us to become ordinary radicals following jesus again. he says he wonders if it will look less like us walking around drinking our organic fair-trade latte in our certified organic fair-trade shirts but more like the amish. a life of simplicity that works directly for much of what it needs. that day i think i came head on with the question. and i must say the answer that my heart is coming to is a hard, scary, unbelievable one that may require me to loose this life in order to really live...(familiar words to us as fellow believers???) oh Lord, i am not sure how to live. i want to be willing! make me willing!

i did get a rug. i found one at target for $80. made in the USA, machine made. looks like someone just cut up a piece of cheap carpet and trimmed the edges...i guess it settled some of my conscious though. i mean at least i know now that i won't be yelling at judah every time he walks on it!

the alabaster jar...a journey

2008-08-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

so there is this story about a sinful woman who came to jesus while he was hanging out with all of his friends at dinner. she fell at his feet, crying and wiping his feet with her hair. then she did something strange...she took out the perfume, worth months of pay, and broke it at his feet. she wiped his feet again. although all those at the table were harsh with their words and ridiculed her (...and jesus for that matter) for wasting her money, her time. jesus spoke tenderly to her telling all of them that she had done something brilliant and pleased god. he loved her much, forgave her sins...she loved him so much in return.

later, after jesus had been crucified some women went to the tomb to burry him properly. they brought all they would need to honor his body, including an alabaster jar. when they arrived at the tomb they found he was gone...he had risen. and it just so happened that the only one to anoint him, his body, his life would be the women. the sinful, wasteful women.

i want my life to be an alabaster jar. i want my life to be broken, and poured out on my jesus' feet. i don't want it to be 50 years from now that i realize i should have honored him when maybe it didn't make sense. finding out that it would be to late. so this is the start of a "blog" a journey of thoughts, hopes, dreams, my life...which jesus i pray you would be well pleased.