...a new bedtime ritual

my son is into this new bedtime ritual.

we read a book, sing a song, pray. then one by one we say good night to all the stuffed animals in his crib. (good night elmo, ni-ni larry, good night monkey, ni-ni mr bear...) then i end with a ni-ni judah and a couple of good "i love you more than i ever thought possible" kisses...

that has always been the routine...

and now this new piece has emerged... as i walk out the room i hear this "one more kiss mommy" and with out fail, i walk back in the room give that little man one more "i love you more than i ever thought possible" kiss and close the door.

i hope that exchange sticks around for awhile...

Thanks to Fairmont, MN...the middle of nowhere!

So I’m in the middle of nowhere Minnesota. It is cold! I’m staying by myself at a little Hampton Inn. I walked across the street last night to grab a bite to eat. I had to choose between McDonalds, Perkins and Green Mill. I choose Green Mill (I’ve never heard of it before but it is big in these parts…Just a restaurant/bar place like Chili’s).

I walked in and the place was pack with MN Twins fans cheering and cursing during the Twins/Yankees game. I sat at the bar, ordered a local-ish brew (some brew from Wisconsin) and a bite to eat. I watched the game.

I don’t watch baseball. I don’t like to watch baseball. A few years ago I got on the bandwagon when the Rockies went to the World Series (will be on the wagon again this year J) and I don’t mind going to games because it usually means 3 things: friends, hot dogs and a cold beer. But that is it! I don’t watch baseball!

I watched baseball last night, next to a few new friends from the middle of nowhere MN. I sat next to two best friends who have known each other since college. We chatted. They could tell I wasn’t from around here and asked what brought me here. I told them I was here for work, what I did (working for an anti-slavery organization isn’t generally good dinner/bar conversation). They asked questions. The engaged the issue a bit (of course in between huge cheers and four letter yelps). I asked them what they were up to this weekend. DUCK HUNTING, they told me. I joked with them telling them I had only hunted ducks with Nintendo way back when, but that I was a good shoot! We laughed. It was nice…

Our conversation ended and the two friends just continued to chat. I watched the screen but continued to eves drop on their conversation. They talked about 3 things: baseball, duck hunting and life. For the most part it was classic bar talk. Swear words. Making fun of each other. I smiled.

In the middle of this conversation an amazing moment took place. One of the guys looked to his friend and said “They found a heartbeat. It is amazing! They finally found a heartbeat.”

His friend looked at him with a huge grin that communicated more than ANY words could and said, “F@$% yeah. They did. You must be ecstatic. After everything you have been through. It is amazing. They found a heartbeat!”

He looked up and just said, “yeah. We are so f@$%ing excited!”

That was the end of the conversation…they went back to watching the game.

I sat at the bar and just felt good. I haven’t spent much time in small town USA. I grew up in the burbs, but it wasn’t a small town like this. I think in a lot of ways I maybe judge the level of engagement in places like this. Thinking the simplicity isn’t as good as complexity. Or a laid-back spirit isn’t as good as the go-getter change the world thing in me. I am so wrong.

In that moment I found myself noticing the little things in my life. The details, the simplicity, the small miracles I miss every day…

...like the heartbeat of a little baby in his mother’s womb (my son is a miracle)…the miracle of breath and life (we breathe in and out something we can’t see yet that is the very thing that sustains us)

…of ducks that swim and fly (birds are built to defy the laws of gravity!! That is just crazy when you think about it)

...of the food we eat and how it actually grows (any time I look across a field of corn, or crops, I am amazed! I mean seriously, things grow out of the dirt with water and sun. We can put big words on it that make us feel like we understand it all, like photosynthesis, but it is still a miracle it actually happens!)

…and the one I often miss the most is the miracle of friends, family and love (yes there is a WHOLE LOT that is wrong in the world. We hurt each other…YET we love each other too. It is a miracle that we actually have each other. We depend on others for our species to literally survive. REALATIONSHIP itself is a miracle.)

Thanks Fairmont, MN for reminding me of the simple truths and miracles that this life contain… Jesus, would you give me eyes to see them all again today!

i am in love with this...

this is the most amazing thing EVER!

this makes me thrilled to live in the world we do. tap your feet at your desk today, twirl in the park, or dance barefoot in the kitchen cooking dinner tonight! make today a good day!

love the one your with

its not news to anyone that sometimes i can be looking towards the next thing, the next move, making something better, doing something different, etc. in the middle of this constant drive it is so good for me to take a moment, pause and look around. there is so much around me i am utterly thankful for. when i take the moment to pause i see what there is to love right here, right now. Here are a few of those things:

• i just rummaged the house looking for chocolate…i love chocolate so much that i settled on a handful of dark chocolate chips for dessert. my mom used to do that. i am so my mother, which isn’t a bad thing. i love my mother.

• i really love this apartment. it is small and cozy, just enough room for all of us (and open so judah can run around and around and around in circles). it is light and has cute pillows (both these features I love about 8am in the morning when I am drinking coffee on my little window bench seat).

• i am falling more and more in love with the two boys in my life. the first because he continues to love me despite about a billion reasons why he shouldn’t these days (and is starting to dance with me more randomly in the kitchen to regina spektor and other amazing artists i heart) and the second because he says this “thank you, mommy” thing right now that just melts my heart.
• i love my buffs (that's the university of colorado buffalos for you non-college football fans)...even when they loose. even when i can't watch every game...i still just think they are the best(which also reminds me i just love fall and watching too much football!!)

• i love new haven, ct. so many say this city is hard, that is true. so many say this city is strange, that is true. yet there is something about it that i just like, i just love…

o the relationships…there are lots of really good people that we love here.

o the architecture…both old and new, ghetto and chic.

o the big city/small town feel…I know you think its not possible, come and visit, you’ll see.

o the scent of fall in the air and hot drinks…especially the $1 coffee from atticus, pumpkin spice lattes from starbucks and honey ginger lemon tea from JoJo’s.

o the diversity… race, age, ethnicity, nationality, socioeconomic, class, education…I am constantly reminded of how complex, different and beautiful this world is

o the location…beach 10 min. new york city 1.5 hours. mountains in vermont 3 hours. boston 2.5 hours. rhode island pretty wave beaches 1.25 hours. (ok so the 24 hour ride to co is a little rough).

o the guys who plays his guitar & harmonica every morning…outside atticus on my way to work.

o the food… picking my own blueberries, crème brule, the best pizza in the US, lithuanian coffee cake, thai taste, mamoons, the mini loaves of bread from clairs, the pantry, romeo & cesars, fresh lobster rolls…bittersweet chocolate ice cream from ashley’s…should i keep going. i am hungry again for some reason!

• i love #146. without a name, or picture and just a number and a story to me, this child on the other side of the world has captured my heart. these last months working with love146 i have learned about this issue of child sex slavery and exploitation. i have cried. i have wanted to scream, throw up, hit someone. i have laughed with co-workers (hearting things such as the @deskofjoy and @deskdoom wars, yummy new team lunches and conversations that make my head hurt). i have seen the impossible happen in restoration. while the learning curve has been steep and i feel like i am barely making it up the slope, i have appreciated engaging with a group of people that believes it isn’t only possible to end child sex slavery and exploitation but also leap willingly into the ranks to do so.
• i really love fresh yoga, particularly pegs 10 am class on sundays mornings… i know it is probably heretical for me to say it but i like it being a steady sunday morning ritual. which also brings me to another point i love the fact that the church we are going to is on Sunday evening, 4pm. perfect time, perfect place and the people who go there are pretty sweet too…just trying to be people that love god and love their neighbor…so it’s a good fit, yoga for sunday morning church, church for sunday evening church.

• i love friends…old and new, from colorado, to connecticut and london…if i take three seconds to pause and see a few faces in my mind, call a friend on the phone or spend full days touring the ends of the earth (ok, so it was just pieces of the east coat but it felt like so much more than that!) i quickly realize that what i am most grateful for today is this group of people i love and call friends.

mother theresa once said, “being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, i think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.” so i really have nothing to complain about…my tummy’s filled with bittersweet chocolate chips, and my life, a whole lot of really great people...including my hubby who just walked in the door and my little one is fast asleep in the other room.

drones...

so yesterday i walked into the kitchen and my hubby was reading this article (http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2009/08/drone-strike-apparently-kills-pakistan-taliban-chief/). i saw that it was an article from wired mag and when it comes to articles about gadgets and the like i am quick to shut down. big words and random new gizmos usually keep me from engaging when he is reading this magazine. i asked him (admittedly, not really caring), "hey, what are you reading?" and he replied, "oh, this article about UAV's and killing the taliban."

now, i have seen the movies. i guess i live in some strange world where i just think that most everything i see on tv isn't actually happening. up until this point that's what i thought about little machines running around, fighting our battles for us. we chatted a few minutes about the article and left it at that.

however, it has really got me thinking. there has been this nagging question in the back of my mind all day....shouldn't something that one believes is worth killing for be worth risking their own lives for as well? mind you this comes from my idealistic, pacifist, non-violent "can't we just all get along" heart. however, it is an important question to ask. i'm beginning to really think that there may be things that one should be willing to die for, but so little (if anything) that one should be willing to kill for. this whole drones, UAV, robot warfare thing seems to be the opposite. when it come down to it i guess i just wonder, if we are going to be fighting this war, shouldn't we fight it and not let r2d2 do our dirty work?

a brown necklace

it was nearly 20 months ago that i got this amazing necklace. a few days after judah was born my dear friend carolyn came over bearing christmas gifts. it snowed a lot the week of christmas that year, so snow covered the ground. a christmas tree with all the right"trimmings" and this new little baby boy accompanied our gift exchange. she brought a bright orange monkey and a book, "la estrella de navid," for the new one. for me, i got this cute red sweater vest and this amazing brown necklace.

i barely made it out of bed that day for the gift exchange. i was still in the same polka-dotted robe and red flannel pajama pants that i had worn for days (it would be the standard outfit for weeks to come). i was tired and still in some pain from the hardest and most beautiful thing i had done in my life to that point, giving birth to a son.

i snuck upstairs after our gift exchange to put away all the new treasures. i remember the moment so clearly. i went to put the necklace away in the bathroom. just before i did, i draped it around my neck and looked at my self in the mirror. i began to cry. i cried because i was pretty sure i would never be at a place in my life where i would wear the necklace again. all i could see in that moment was this new life that had been flipped on its head overnight. i cried because i wasn't sure when the 3 hour "naps" would be over. i cried because learning how to breast feed (something i thought would be far more "natural" than it really was), take care of and love this new little life was so much harder than i thought before. i wasn't sure that night if i would ever get out of my polka-dotted bathrobe. i was scared, tired and felt alone. the next weeks would be the hardest of my life. in no way were they the glamorous "motherhood" moments i had dreamed of just weeks before when this little life was just kicking inside me. i felt defeated. i put the necklace in my jewelry box and walked away. a feeling of despair welled up inside me.

yesterday, i wore the necklace. i didn't even think about it when i put it on. it was during the middle of our "morning routine" (getting juice, drinking coffee, making oatmeal and sitting around the kitchen table) when the memory of that moment in the bathroom came to me. i paused for a moment and smiled. i made it. we made it. there was a hilarious toddler in the background saying "thank you mommy" that proved it.

there have been moments this past month were i have had a similar feeling of despair. it was good to be reminded of god's faithfulness in that moment. it caused me to pause for the day and intentionally remember just where i have come from. god has been so faithful. "oh you of little faith, just believe," echos in my ear today and begs me to have a posture towards thankfulness.

...dancing shoes...

so the last few weeks have been a little rough. not going to lie. i have felt off and stressed out. my brain is always going. trying to solve the issue that surround my world. usually pertaining to work and my place in this world (yes casey, some things never change). this means i have been on a journey trying to find the "who in me." i have been meeting with a friend/mentor to talk through and dig deeper into ME. we've been thinking through what i am good at, what i may need to work on and how to move and be closer to the person that god made me to be. (of course if you have thoughts or insight into this you are welcome to share...)

all of this to attempt to allow the "who" in me to dictate the "what" i put my energy towards. it is a no brainer that i am passionate particularly around issues of injustice and seeing the people of god arise to bring hope, life, healing and peace into the center of those places. i know i am getting close to a few really key elements of the who and what i'll spend some time focusing in on (although i have finally realized that this is probably a life long journey...so that has to be forward progress for me)! but in this process there have been moments of what i would call despair and a longing to just pull away...

and tonight we went dancing!

a group from the church we've been going to (ECV, elm city vineyard) had a salsa lesson/dance party for their home group and invited us. it was strange dancing with a bunch of people that i don't really know yet, learning a few new moves in salsa (i've been begging kimbal to take salsa lessons for oh about 6 years now) and just having this moment of letting go.

the salsa dancing eventually turned into a tour through music and the classics of each era (including the key dances during those times) we laughed historically while doing the running man and roger rabbit to a myriad of 80's one-hit-wonders. i've never been a great dancer but i have always loved to bust a move. it was nice. i was reminded to stop in the midst of this world and just dance. hopefully that will be a good thing to remember in this process of discovering me. knowing i'm one who needs to stop, dance and let go...not to mention that it in so many ways it encompasses the world we are fighting, hoping, waiting for.

so in your kitchen, shower, or with baby in arm turn the radio up and in the words of young MC "bust a move."