i am in love with this...

this is the most amazing thing EVER!

this makes me thrilled to live in the world we do. tap your feet at your desk today, twirl in the park, or dance barefoot in the kitchen cooking dinner tonight! make today a good day!

love the one your with

its not news to anyone that sometimes i can be looking towards the next thing, the next move, making something better, doing something different, etc. in the middle of this constant drive it is so good for me to take a moment, pause and look around. there is so much around me i am utterly thankful for. when i take the moment to pause i see what there is to love right here, right now. Here are a few of those things:

• i just rummaged the house looking for chocolate…i love chocolate so much that i settled on a handful of dark chocolate chips for dessert. my mom used to do that. i am so my mother, which isn’t a bad thing. i love my mother.

• i really love this apartment. it is small and cozy, just enough room for all of us (and open so judah can run around and around and around in circles). it is light and has cute pillows (both these features I love about 8am in the morning when I am drinking coffee on my little window bench seat).

• i am falling more and more in love with the two boys in my life. the first because he continues to love me despite about a billion reasons why he shouldn’t these days (and is starting to dance with me more randomly in the kitchen to regina spektor and other amazing artists i heart) and the second because he says this “thank you, mommy” thing right now that just melts my heart.
• i love my buffs (that's the university of colorado buffalos for you non-college football fans)...even when they loose. even when i can't watch every game...i still just think they are the best(which also reminds me i just love fall and watching too much football!!)

• i love new haven, ct. so many say this city is hard, that is true. so many say this city is strange, that is true. yet there is something about it that i just like, i just love…

o the relationships…there are lots of really good people that we love here.

o the architecture…both old and new, ghetto and chic.

o the big city/small town feel…I know you think its not possible, come and visit, you’ll see.

o the scent of fall in the air and hot drinks…especially the $1 coffee from atticus, pumpkin spice lattes from starbucks and honey ginger lemon tea from JoJo’s.

o the diversity… race, age, ethnicity, nationality, socioeconomic, class, education…I am constantly reminded of how complex, different and beautiful this world is

o the location…beach 10 min. new york city 1.5 hours. mountains in vermont 3 hours. boston 2.5 hours. rhode island pretty wave beaches 1.25 hours. (ok so the 24 hour ride to co is a little rough).

o the guys who plays his guitar & harmonica every morning…outside atticus on my way to work.

o the food… picking my own blueberries, crème brule, the best pizza in the US, lithuanian coffee cake, thai taste, mamoons, the mini loaves of bread from clairs, the pantry, romeo & cesars, fresh lobster rolls…bittersweet chocolate ice cream from ashley’s…should i keep going. i am hungry again for some reason!

• i love #146. without a name, or picture and just a number and a story to me, this child on the other side of the world has captured my heart. these last months working with love146 i have learned about this issue of child sex slavery and exploitation. i have cried. i have wanted to scream, throw up, hit someone. i have laughed with co-workers (hearting things such as the @deskofjoy and @deskdoom wars, yummy new team lunches and conversations that make my head hurt). i have seen the impossible happen in restoration. while the learning curve has been steep and i feel like i am barely making it up the slope, i have appreciated engaging with a group of people that believes it isn’t only possible to end child sex slavery and exploitation but also leap willingly into the ranks to do so.
• i really love fresh yoga, particularly pegs 10 am class on sundays mornings… i know it is probably heretical for me to say it but i like it being a steady sunday morning ritual. which also brings me to another point i love the fact that the church we are going to is on Sunday evening, 4pm. perfect time, perfect place and the people who go there are pretty sweet too…just trying to be people that love god and love their neighbor…so it’s a good fit, yoga for sunday morning church, church for sunday evening church.

• i love friends…old and new, from colorado, to connecticut and london…if i take three seconds to pause and see a few faces in my mind, call a friend on the phone or spend full days touring the ends of the earth (ok, so it was just pieces of the east coat but it felt like so much more than that!) i quickly realize that what i am most grateful for today is this group of people i love and call friends.

mother theresa once said, “being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, i think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.” so i really have nothing to complain about…my tummy’s filled with bittersweet chocolate chips, and my life, a whole lot of really great people...including my hubby who just walked in the door and my little one is fast asleep in the other room.

drones...

so yesterday i walked into the kitchen and my hubby was reading this article (http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2009/08/drone-strike-apparently-kills-pakistan-taliban-chief/). i saw that it was an article from wired mag and when it comes to articles about gadgets and the like i am quick to shut down. big words and random new gizmos usually keep me from engaging when he is reading this magazine. i asked him (admittedly, not really caring), "hey, what are you reading?" and he replied, "oh, this article about UAV's and killing the taliban."

now, i have seen the movies. i guess i live in some strange world where i just think that most everything i see on tv isn't actually happening. up until this point that's what i thought about little machines running around, fighting our battles for us. we chatted a few minutes about the article and left it at that.

however, it has really got me thinking. there has been this nagging question in the back of my mind all day....shouldn't something that one believes is worth killing for be worth risking their own lives for as well? mind you this comes from my idealistic, pacifist, non-violent "can't we just all get along" heart. however, it is an important question to ask. i'm beginning to really think that there may be things that one should be willing to die for, but so little (if anything) that one should be willing to kill for. this whole drones, UAV, robot warfare thing seems to be the opposite. when it come down to it i guess i just wonder, if we are going to be fighting this war, shouldn't we fight it and not let r2d2 do our dirty work?

a brown necklace

it was nearly 20 months ago that i got this amazing necklace. a few days after judah was born my dear friend carolyn came over bearing christmas gifts. it snowed a lot the week of christmas that year, so snow covered the ground. a christmas tree with all the right"trimmings" and this new little baby boy accompanied our gift exchange. she brought a bright orange monkey and a book, "la estrella de navid," for the new one. for me, i got this cute red sweater vest and this amazing brown necklace.

i barely made it out of bed that day for the gift exchange. i was still in the same polka-dotted robe and red flannel pajama pants that i had worn for days (it would be the standard outfit for weeks to come). i was tired and still in some pain from the hardest and most beautiful thing i had done in my life to that point, giving birth to a son.

i snuck upstairs after our gift exchange to put away all the new treasures. i remember the moment so clearly. i went to put the necklace away in the bathroom. just before i did, i draped it around my neck and looked at my self in the mirror. i began to cry. i cried because i was pretty sure i would never be at a place in my life where i would wear the necklace again. all i could see in that moment was this new life that had been flipped on its head overnight. i cried because i wasn't sure when the 3 hour "naps" would be over. i cried because learning how to breast feed (something i thought would be far more "natural" than it really was), take care of and love this new little life was so much harder than i thought before. i wasn't sure that night if i would ever get out of my polka-dotted bathrobe. i was scared, tired and felt alone. the next weeks would be the hardest of my life. in no way were they the glamorous "motherhood" moments i had dreamed of just weeks before when this little life was just kicking inside me. i felt defeated. i put the necklace in my jewelry box and walked away. a feeling of despair welled up inside me.

yesterday, i wore the necklace. i didn't even think about it when i put it on. it was during the middle of our "morning routine" (getting juice, drinking coffee, making oatmeal and sitting around the kitchen table) when the memory of that moment in the bathroom came to me. i paused for a moment and smiled. i made it. we made it. there was a hilarious toddler in the background saying "thank you mommy" that proved it.

there have been moments this past month were i have had a similar feeling of despair. it was good to be reminded of god's faithfulness in that moment. it caused me to pause for the day and intentionally remember just where i have come from. god has been so faithful. "oh you of little faith, just believe," echos in my ear today and begs me to have a posture towards thankfulness.

...dancing shoes...

so the last few weeks have been a little rough. not going to lie. i have felt off and stressed out. my brain is always going. trying to solve the issue that surround my world. usually pertaining to work and my place in this world (yes casey, some things never change). this means i have been on a journey trying to find the "who in me." i have been meeting with a friend/mentor to talk through and dig deeper into ME. we've been thinking through what i am good at, what i may need to work on and how to move and be closer to the person that god made me to be. (of course if you have thoughts or insight into this you are welcome to share...)

all of this to attempt to allow the "who" in me to dictate the "what" i put my energy towards. it is a no brainer that i am passionate particularly around issues of injustice and seeing the people of god arise to bring hope, life, healing and peace into the center of those places. i know i am getting close to a few really key elements of the who and what i'll spend some time focusing in on (although i have finally realized that this is probably a life long journey...so that has to be forward progress for me)! but in this process there have been moments of what i would call despair and a longing to just pull away...

and tonight we went dancing!

a group from the church we've been going to (ECV, elm city vineyard) had a salsa lesson/dance party for their home group and invited us. it was strange dancing with a bunch of people that i don't really know yet, learning a few new moves in salsa (i've been begging kimbal to take salsa lessons for oh about 6 years now) and just having this moment of letting go.

the salsa dancing eventually turned into a tour through music and the classics of each era (including the key dances during those times) we laughed historically while doing the running man and roger rabbit to a myriad of 80's one-hit-wonders. i've never been a great dancer but i have always loved to bust a move. it was nice. i was reminded to stop in the midst of this world and just dance. hopefully that will be a good thing to remember in this process of discovering me. knowing i'm one who needs to stop, dance and let go...not to mention that it in so many ways it encompasses the world we are fighting, hoping, waiting for.

so in your kitchen, shower, or with baby in arm turn the radio up and in the words of young MC "bust a move."

to be a mother...

maybe it's because i have been traveling so much....maybe it's because life is finally starting to settle into reality here...maybe its because my son is so freakin cute...maybe it's just because...

i have been doing some thinking about being a mom and working. the last days i have felt a little strange. i have a feeling that i am starting to miss out on something. judah is at this amazing place where he is walking and talking and laughing and growing and i have this sense that i am missing it. confused because i know that god ever so clearly called me into this place where i am working my dream job AND living out specific pieces of what make up the very fabric of my soul...but nothing is so important that i want my own flesh and blood to feel abandoned in the pursuit of it. so i have bee thinking about it all...

and now here is the catch...i think that is isn't what is actually happening that is causing me to fret. i think that all the thinking about what's next has been causing me angst. the thought "should i be home with judah," "am i a bad mom for not being home" or "how can we adopt or grow our family AND have me work" or as kimbal looks for work in his calling i think "is it a bad thing to send judah to day care" or "is this an all or nothing thing-day care OR being at home."

i just spent the last hour searching on the web for advise, article, blogs from a new perspective. all i could find were peoples defenses on their choice to stay home or work. there were loads of judgments about the "bad mom who chose her career over her kids" or the "out of touch mom who gave up her career to be at home." so much shame, guilt for all of these amazing women who want the same thing: to love their kids and feel like they are contributing to this mess of a world.

kimbal and i have been thinking that there has to be another way. we want to take this dual responsibility of parenting and raising children seriously. we both want to be in the middle of what god has for us in bringing his kingdom in not only this world but our family. i want to be a good mom and a women that inspires people to pursue a life the love of god and neighbor and self. i want to be a part of building the kingdom at home and for the orphan and widow. i might be off my rocker and just need to realize that there isn't enough of me to go around OR there has to be a new way of thinking, living and being that allows for mothers and fathers to fully engage their families and their callings/careers.

thoughts!?!? is there a third option between kids being raised in day-care and one parent fully being at home? what could it look like? what role do fathers have in the conversation?

i'll leave you with a pic of the one who day by day is stealing this heart of mine.

the collective SHOUT...

so at the anti-slavery organization i work for, love146, we have this term we call the collective shout. it is one of the things that we think needs to happen for this horror to end. we define it as one voice added to another added to another getting a bit louder and a bit stronger until all that is heard everywhere is "ABOLITION & RESTORATION."

my voice joined this shout about 4 years ago. sometimes i have screamed it and others i have whispered it but ever since i heard stories of children being forced into sexual slavery i haven't really been silent about it.

well this last week i didn't shout, or whisper but tweeted to bring abolition. for those that don't know twitter is this strange social networking site where you can "tweet" to your friends about what you are doing, ask them what they are doing and share "thoughts" (the catch is that each "tweet" can only be 140 characters). i signed up to have a twitter account for the first time on wednesday afternoon (you can follow me if i stick with it at @believe146). why?

hugh jackman, aka wolverine from x-men, sent out a twitter about 10 days ago that said he would give $100,000 to a person's favorite charity IF they would have to convince him of course by using 140 characters or less. so in the last week hugh received thousands upon thousands of tweets from all of these amazing people highlighting some of the most amazing work that is going on in the world today.

we decided to join in and tweet for love & abolition. kind of last min and a bit of an experiment for us, we jumped in with a strategy to get people to tweet hugh at 1:46 EST for a couple of days. we were AMAZED. hundreds upon hundreds of people tweeted and tweeted and tweeted. shouted and shouted. love146 was followed that day by thousands upon thousands of people. we had spikes in our web site. clever slogans came and made their appeal to mr jackman. people tweeted for us all through the night. the "twitter voice" for abolition was much much louder than we were expecting. we were shocked. a collective shout could be heard.

i sat in the office friday listening to the ryan seacrest morning show (were hugh would announce the winner). and...we didn't get it...two amazing organizations ended up splitting the prize because hugh couldn't decide between the two (charity water & operation of hope). both organizations i am extremely grateful exist and got some $ friday ... kids need clean water and deserve a beautiful, sparkling smile...

although grateful that the kingdom is being built through this there was this feeling of "shucks" and a sense of just being bummed out. the work of abolition is hard. it isn't cut and dry like digging a well and watching thousands of people get clean water from it. YES we have stories of hope and restoration. we have seen children who shouldn't smile ever again play, dance and embody joy in the flesh. but the fight to end this feels tricky and SO much is required. we need a people who challenge current systems and structures, who change the way they spend money, who challenge sexual addiction, pornography and the reason why we place so little value on a child. we need business men & women to be a voice to their co-workers, families to radically engage the foster care system. we need a social movement and change where all take a stand and shout, scream, tweet and live "ABOLITION." it can be done. i am sure of it now but the road is long and i am beginning to see that it requires much more than even i want to give sometimes...oh, jesus, help me, help us. sustain me, sustain us!

i read this quote the other day and i wanted to pass it along to all of you who shouted with us this week AND who have shouted with us over the years and will continue to do so even if hugh jackman isn't doing some charity giveaway! i found it in a book, the impossible will take a little while (a collection of short essays, poems, etc all with a focus towards social justice, social change and hope). in one of the essays a women is telling a story about a conversation she had with her friend. her friend works in suicide prevention and had been walking alongside someone for awhile who had just completed suicide. sad, frustrated and "bummed out" (much more so than i was on friday!!) her friend looked at her and made this statement:

"you know i cannot save them. i am not here to save anyone or save this world. all i can do-what i am called to do- is plant myself at the gates of Hope. sometimes they come in;sometimes they walk by. but i stand there everyday and i call out til my lungs are sore with calling and beckon and urge them toward beautiful life and love"

here's to some sore lungs and staying planted at the gates of Hope...even if mr jackman didn't send his $100,000 through the gates... PEACE & ABOLITION!!!