Great Expectations!

Day 40. Complete. Just finished, it’s 9:47pm in this beautiful snowy New England town.

I pictured what this night would look and feel like. The culmination of the 40-day yoga challenge, but, also the end of an amazing year here in New Haven. I pictured how I would feel and what it would be like to walk out of Peg’s 6:15 Hot Power Practice… The Friday night class is one of my favorites. Candles, music, some amazing people, and it generally kicks my butt in a good way. I longed to finish the challenge that way!

I pictured it and it looked completely different. All the classes were canceled today due to snow! BUMMER, right?!?! So I completed this challenge on my mat in the floor of my kitchen with my dad chuckling to The Office in one room, my hubby packing suitcases in another and my baby trying desperately to go to sleep, too excited about flying on the plane tomorrow.

It looked and felt completely different. My great expectations for this challenge “let down” and yet as I sat up to turn off the yoga DVD I grinned….

This moment was indeed picture perfect. Thankfully I was able to let go of those expectations tonight and engage with what I had… a beautiful full house, a yoga mat and a decent recording of one of my favorite classes.

We leave early tomorrow morning for the next great adventure. I am eager and excited to reflect on this past year a bit more…to have time to think and be with my Denver friends & family and get into a rhythm of playing with my son! I am eager to share more about this next great leg of our journey and dream a little bit about what it holds...

But for tonight and the next few hours here, I am content to catch a re-run of The Office with my dad, snuggle on the blow up mattress & sleeping bags with my hubby and exit the mat knowing we made it!

New Haven, thank you! Denver, I’ll see you soon! Uganda, I can’t wait to be with you!

Namaste!

If this week were a long practice, KICK ME OFF THE MAT!

It’s snowing outside. All yoga classes were canceled today. Crazy, but you would think the east coast never gets snow!! You would think this because EVERYTHING shuts down at the site of a few flakes. School is canceled. We got let off work early. Stores close. Anyway, SO NOT THE POINT…

As I was saying, there is snow and yoga is cancelled. Once again I wound up doing yoga in the kitchen tonight. Day 24/40! A few weeks ago in class I can remember an instructor saying something to the effect of “Stay in the pose! The pose actually begins the moment you want to get out of it.” I guess you could say the pose is beginning for me!

I had one of those days (actually if I am honest, one of those weeks) where chaos, disappointment, fear, anxiety and the unknown just left me undone... Sent me spiraling and kept me grumpy to say the least. As I lay on the mat tonight I had the thought, “If this week was one long practice, I should be kicked off the mat…” I feel like that. The way I responded under pressure this week has been filled with judgment, frustration…the opposite of grace under pressure.

In my thoughts I just asked God to help… help me to show up tomorrow… help me to trust that we will make it… help me to somehow enter into this chaotic state where my house is a mess, our lives are in upheaval and dreams that I once had are beginning to look different. In the shifting dreams I am realizing there is sadness… and mourning taking place. Yes joy and excitement about the next step but it feels like messy joy… murky hope.

I want to show up different tomorrow. Lord, have mercy on me. I want to trust that he is faithful to bring us into a place that is good and right. Lord, have mercy on me. I want to be a person who gives grace and laughter in chaos (even a CRAZY house and moving strategy). Lord, have mercy on me. I want to be one that finds steadiness outside circumstance. Lord, have mercy on me. I want to be the person who has the audacity to continue to dream even when the ones you have had before don’t always end the way you thought they would. Lord, have mercy on me. I want to embrace joy, even if it is messy…and hope, even when it is murky. Lord, have mercy on me.

16/40...some refelctions

I am trekking along in this beautiful challenge. I am learning so much along the way. As I had expected the mat has been an amazing place for me to come, explore, and ask myself questions like, “how I am showing up for the day?”.

The last few months I have been occasionally doing some Celtic prayer. I have particularly found what they call the “morning office” helpful to start they day. The same daily prayer mixed with alternating scripture readings…a still center if you will. There is this one line at the end of the morning daily office that asks Christ to “be with in and with out me lowly and meek yet all powerful.” Many mornings I have dwelt on those single lines just wanting Jesus to somehow find me again and help me to live a meek, humble yet powerful life filled with love and justice.

Last week at the beginning one of my practices, I think it was 11/40; I sat in child’s pose and found myself reflecting on those same words. I started to pair them with my breathing. Inhale “Christ with in”…Exhale “and without me lowly and meek yet all powerful”… Inhale “Christ with in”…. Exhale “and without me lowly and meek”…Inhale “Be within”…Exhale ”and without me.” I was bringing my intention with the practice to those small words and deep longing.

I moved throughout the practice. I didn’t keep those words on the forefront of my mind at every moment of the practice …but every time I found myself in a difficult posture or loosing my breath those words would slowly creep in “be within and without me lowly and meek yet all powerful.” I moved… I breathed …and hoped… At the end of practice I laid there in corpse pose and again I found a soft breath. I intentionally brought back those words with each inhale and each exhale. I meditated on them. Took them in…. Inhale “Christ with in me”… Exhale “and without me lowly and meek yet all powerful.” I experienced something beautiful that day… Meditation in motion …a living active prayer.

They often say that the mat is a place to come explore. To take notice how we respond on the mat (without judging of course, right Peg J) and either keep the thoughts, motivations and intentions that come through out the practice or let them go. A place to explore the possible, expand into the possible… O how I long for what I experienced that day on the mat in my daily life. In the conversations with my husband, in difficult situations with friends, family and co-workers…

As I sit in a coffee shop now I notice my breath once more (I seem to notice it more often these days)… Inhale “Christ within me”… Exhale “ and without me lowly and meek yet all powerful.” Amen.

40 days...

so I have been doing a lot more yoga lately. i started going to this studio when we first arrived in new haven and I have really liked it. the mat has turned into this space where i have been able to escape, think and have some time for self reflection. combining breath and movement, mediation in motion…it helped me gain some new eyes along the way this year.

in practice a few weeks ago i noticed something about myself. no judgments, just noticed (as peg always says)… i noticed when i would first enter into a pose there would be a lot of self-confidence. then i would get tired. i would talk myself up in my head, focus on breathing…i would enter into a space of letting go through the pain…and then i noticed something else. the minute there were any cues that would tell me we were about to move onto a different pose i would rush out of the uncomfortable place (sometimes fall out) just to get to the next posture.

over the last week i have noticed this same pattern over and over again, pose after pose. needless to say, on the mat i have been bringing my attention to finishing the pose well and staying in it all the way through the exhale. taking everything, every moment in the pose… the last couple of days i have noticed a shift in what i am receiving from practice.

those that know me might be thinking, “hmmm that is something that i have seen take place off the mat in you kellen”. i too have noticed the same pattern in my life. when we know we are about to move on into something else or i can see something new coming into being, i will often rush to the next spot, not giving proper or any attention to the last few moments in my current location. in it I think i have missed a lot. moments… conversations… life. i don’t want to miss out anymore.

last week i also i noticed that the studio was launching a 40 day challenge. it intrigued my goal oriented, tangible results personality. i saw that the challenge ended the day before our flight is set to go back to colorado. i thought about it. and i have decided to take the plunge and spend my last 40 days here in new haven on the mat. it is my hope that it will be a space to remind myself, ask myself and check in to see if i am finishing well here. make no judgments, notice my response in the moments and readjust accordingly.

i hope to post some of what I am learning along the way in this challenge. i’m hoping that both on an off the mat something beautiful happens in me and my time here. here’s to finishing well and staying fully engaged through each exhale….1 down 39 to go!

dreaming with my eyes wide open

it’s not jan 1^st like it was supposed to be when i planned on writing/finishing this… just a few days late. our family has been in relax mode for the past 2+ weeks (monday morning will come as a shocker for me that’s for sure).

we have been sleeping in, hanging out in our pj’s, having amazing birthday and christmas celebrations with family (that included, monkey birthday cakes, fondue for christmas eve and an amazing 24 hours away with just my hubby while grandma watched the baby…no mom, i wasn’t going to mention the fact that our christmas adventures also included your hair catching on fire during the christmas eve service…oops ;)) making snowmen, watching football, doing yoga, dancing in the new year, skyping with friends, making big decisions…busy, eventful and yet filled with rest and peace.

in all this, i have spent some time reflecting on the year that has passed and the year that is to come…it has been good. i decided to steal one of my favorite bloggers new years post and filled out her little “new years refection guide” for myself. i wanted to share it with you… this past year has been wild and full. this next year i expect will be…a little unexpected. enjoy!

in 2009

3-4 words to describe 2009….hopeful, full, disappointing, confusing, cohesive

if 2009 was a book title it would be… “dreaming with my eyes wide open” (i think this year was all about dreams coming into reality. so much of that was beautiful and amazing BUT the funny thing about dreams is that when they turn into a reality they meld and become part of the everyday, mundane, messy, eyes wide open life).

i’m really glad i tried…taking the job with Love146. it was an amazing time filled with many “learns”, it was both challenging and good. i wouldn’t take it back for anything.

something that surprised me was…how much i love new haven…and that we won’t be calling here home for much longer.

the most courageous thing I did this year was…take a job and move my family across the country…. confront some issues… oh and, the tattoo took some courage too.

i tried to let go of… the battle between contentment and discontentment. i tried to put new words in their place like constructive and grateful (still trying).

i tried to hold onto…my hope in the kingdom coming on earth as it is in heaven.

i felt hopeful…that He who began a good work in me will not tire but carry it on to perfection (both for me and all of creation)…even this journey will take a little longer than expected.

i felt less anxious about…being “just” a mom... from actually filling the mommy role well and feeling like being a mom is a worthy and “significant” contribution…this year i fell in love with my son and being his mommy.

a relationship i am especially grateful for this year is… i am very grateful this year for many relationships from my hubby and son, to my amazing and supportive friends and family (both old and new). to pick just one out seems difficult… BUT i will say that this year i am especially thankful for my relationship with jim. he has been a great mentor, advisor and friend. he helped me to get some perspective. this year was a year where i had difficulty seeing myself and my contribution to the world. he helped to see both of those things a little more clearly, the good, the bad and the ugly…thanks jim!

this year i noticed God’s work…in the small dark corners of my heart. i can’t necessarily say i saw Him working at the time, i look back over the year and see that things in me have changed.

in 2010

words i hope to describe this upcoming year are…joy, peace, laughter, life, simple, thankful, creative, music

something i really want to try is…actually playing my guitar consistently and to blog/write with intention.

a person i want to pour more of my heart and time into is…my son…my hubby… and the 4 other people that are leaping across (or staying across an ocean) to live in Uganda for a little while together. (oh yeah...we’re moving to Uganda. more on this soon. I told you we made some big decisions this break).

a way i want to take better care of myself this year is…eat less sugar and do more yoga!

a way i want to reach out to others is… try to choose looking people in the eyes more while I am “en route.”

i’d really love to experience God’s peace in…everyday life. sure i need and desire his peace in the big decisions/moments we encounter but this year i would love to see it during the daily grind.

i’m going to need God’s courage to…move my family across an ocean to Uganda. to not worry constantly about judah’s safety. to be humble and broken in community…. just to name a few.

this year i hope to let go of… expectations.

this year i hope I can hold onto….the hope that another world really is possible and if i can just quiet myself for a moment I could see she is on her way.

one dream i have for 2010 is…to see my fam (sis, mom, dad) at some point dance with the Acholi.

happy 2010… the pic above was taken just moments after the new year. judah was sleeping upstairs during the most amazing new years party with our friends here in new haven. he woke up just in time to dance in the new year with mama and papa (and then we raced home to get him to bed)!

my little monkey

well....little man. you're 2! (although when asked you will copy your friend fender and giggle stating that you're 2 and a half). at any rate, you're 2! and you are amazing. i can't believe how much you have grown and changed this year. from walking (you started that last christmas eve), to talking up a storm and now running around playing cars, trucks and "wrestling" with your papa. you have changed from my baby to a little boy.

i can't help but think of all our adventures this year from new york to colorado, minnesota and boston, you're year has been full. a whole lot more "firsts" came this year; from your first hair cut, your first girl-friend (the lovely evie girl) and all your first songs that you know by heart (my favorite one when you just spontaneously started singing head-shoulders-knees and toes at the dinner table. spaghetti sauce got EVERYWHERE but it was adorable). you can count to 10 (papa makes you every time you really want something and you need to be a bit patient) AND you can make every animal sound there is (on command, i might add)

you picked your first blueberries, apples and pumpkins this year (all of them you attempted to eat while still on the orchard). you now chase your sister, (emma the dog) around and around and around the house. you tell me to go away when you want to do something "naughty" like jump in the bath tub or climb up to find the chocolate chips. and now when you don't want to do something like get put in your car seat or get your shoes on you look me straight in the eye and say "no mama, that's not funny."

oh little man, i hope you have an incredible day and an other adventure filled year. you're about to wake up and discover your birthday tree has come, eat pancakes in the shape of a j, wear the cutest little monkey hat for your 2nd birthday party (you insisted on having a monkey party....either that or a truck but mommy got excited about the monkey party that could have a cake shaped just like a monkey...which only mostly looks like a monkey) and play with some of your new pals. i love you my little monkey, judah!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you! (just so you can see how big you are now...here you are 2 year ago today!! told you you're SO big!)

Picture Perfect...

We were in the city again last weekend. I was down there for work, helping out with a church service and then we wanted to see Emma Thompson’s exhibit “Journey.” Along the way we got to catch up with an old college friend, Marg and then get some good family time: just me and my two boys.

On the way back to the car from a long day we decided to spend a little extra time in the city and walk the Brooklyn Bridge. It had been a gorgeous day. The sun was setting it was a warm 65 degrees. As we were walking across the bridge staring up at the city lights and the beautiful sunset, I just had a moment of “Oh my gosh, this is my life. I am so blessed. I can’t believe this is my life.”

We strolled the bridge and I had the brilliant thought, “We should let Jude out of his stroller and let him walk with us across the bridge.” I took him out and grabbed his little hand. We walked together. It was a beautiful moment. I turned to Kimbal and asked if he would take a picture of Jude and I on this perfect picture moment. I scooped Judah up in my arms to take the picture… AND HE WAS SOPPING WET!

In the journey that day we let the cloth diaper go a little too long and he totally wet his pants. I thought about just dealing with the diaper and wardrobe change on the other side of the bridge but that was quickly knocked down at the fact that if I let him walk the bridge with sopping wet pants, surely something will get chaffed (don’t you love my first thought was not about the sanitary issue here but that my son might get a chaffed behind).

So we pulled over to the side on a bench on the Brooklyn Bridge and changed that little man’s diaper and clothes. I am sure all the tourists walking the bridge that day LOVED us, ruining their picture perfect moment on the bridge AND I am sure some day Judah will love the story about how we had to change his diaper on the bridge.

After the fiasco was over Kimbal snapped a shot of me and my little man, and I thought “THAT’S more like it!! This is my life. I am so blessed!” Here’s to picture perfect moments…that include a diaper change along the way!