what barbie and i have in common...

alright so i bet you'll never guess what this adorable piece of plastic and i have in common...i found out this week while reading a magazine. i was floored...barbie and i share the same birthday. yup! today barbie turns 50!!! 50 freakin years old. you must admit that she ages super well. being 50 she always has looked more like 18 (guess i should figure out who her plastic surgeon is...ok, done with the cheesy humor).

forever i think i wanted to share something with barbie. and this year i found out that i always have. i was a HUGE barbie fan growing up. i know many folks that like to shy away from their barbie loving years but i probably played with barbie until some ridiculous age where my mom had to hide her in the closet and i realized it wasn't cool to pretend to date ken anymore...i loved her. i think i had this love hate relationship with her though. on one hand i loved her because she was pretty, had some great accessories and in my imagination i could live vicariously through her. i, however, did join the thousands of little girls that some where deep down felt a whole bunch of pressure to be her. and well, this curly haired brunette just never quite added up to the fake doll. of course i never knew directly that barbie hindered my self esteem. i didn't cry in my room as a teen because i didn't look like her BUT i think that the image of what it meant to be beautiful somehow burned in my mind...

it has taken years of searching and thought to undo my paradigm of beauty. i have seen some unbelievably beautiful people in my world. i have modeled my life, clothing and hair style after them and the barbies on the screen (i only went blond for a few months and then realized that was just silly!)...and over the years i think i have begun to see what real beauty looks like...and i am convinced that it is rarely seen on a barbie doll.

but...

in the eyes of my best friend on her wedding day as they glowed in awe of the faithfulness of jesus...in the beautiful heart of one who would lay herself down to learn what it looks like to truly choose the love of someone...in the sacrifice of my mother who choose to give me the world while loosing so much of it for herself...in the sweet giggle coming from a downstairs room as "i love lucy" echoed in the back ground...in the persistence of a young women who month after month of getting her heart broken says "lets keep trying"...in the patience of a young mom teaching her son how to draw a bus...in a grandmother who has chosen to take her grandchildren and love them as first borns...in the broken heart that chose to let herself love again, even if it meant significant risk...in a body of jesus who threw themselves into a burning apartment building to make sure everyone was safe...in the dark eyes of the little uganda girls laughing just for the fun of it...a mother who sees all the broken as her own...in the tears of an indian prostitute who just wanted to know how her kids were doing...in the smile of a little girl in a photo that burns in my mind who many see as 146...

beauty is indeed all around and in the eyes of the beholder. over the years i have had the opportunity to behold so much beauty. this year i turn 28 and this year i am convinced that i will get to behold so much more. i will have the opportunity to restore, create, empower and seek beauty. i was joking with kimbal the other day as we talked about my official "start date" with love146 being my birthday. i told him that it was very significant to me...that this year, beginning today, i am now working with a group of people passionate and brilliant in the work of abolition and restoring beauty to its original intent (love146.org). what and amazing gift!

happy birthday to me!

today i sat in a staff meeting listening to ideas, thoughts, budget updates, etc...and i was overwhelmed for a moment that this is where i sat on my birthday...as i sat there i began to reflect on the journey i have had and all the beauty i have had the opportunity to hold in this life...i have held so much more than any blonde doll ever could!

so barbie, i am glad we share a birthday...but i am thankful that i haven't learned beauty from you...thank you to all of you beautiful women who continue to teach me what beauty is indeed all about! you, over the last 28 years, have been the image that i will spend my years modeling. i love you. you make me smile!

...on the road to home...

...so it was 10 days ago that we said good-bye to denver and began the road-trip out east to a new beloved city, new haven...it was nearly a month ago that we packed up all our stuff and loaded it in a truck so our house could make its way to our new home (which i might add is STILL sitting in some warehouse in denver that will HOPEFULLY be coming this weekend...if it doesn't come soon i may have all you denver faithful riot the warehouse and drive it out here for us!!! oh bummer you would be here sooner than expected :))

...anyway, since we left denver, and our house we have had quite the adventure. before officially leaving town we got the opportunity to hang out in junction with kimbal's family where i officially became the kurtz wii bowling champ (i can't say the same for tennis). we spent some great time with the kiddos, his parents and some family friends. we then moved in with my mom for a week of fun in denver and tying up all our loose ends. we learned we had too many loose ends and should have lived with my mom for much longer with all the free babysitting and GREAT time with friends...and then we said good-bye.

the trip out here we reminisced about our lives, loves and losses in denver. we spent much of the time thinking, talking and attempting to wrap our minds around the fact that we just packed up and moved. we dreamed about what this could look like and chatted over theories of LOST along the way. judah was a rock-star and hardly needed any "help" in the back seat. he just seemed to be content with all of us in one little car (emma in the back seat with him), his toothbrush always in hand and jingling his bells to the music. i was amazed! i had a moment while judah was sleeping where i just glanced back SO thankful he was with us. he has brought a fullness, a richness and just plain fun to my world...ahh!

we stayed at homes and hotels along the road. the hotels were fun because we had to find spots where emma was welcome! emma just loved staying with us, and sleeping on all the hotel furniture. she just fit right in! omaha, ne was a thrilling experience eating with the hoins' clan, watching some good old husker basketball (i'll admit it made it much easier to watch when they ended up loosing the game, i had a piece of homemade peach black-berry pie in my hands, and i got to see some amazingly hilarious photos of mr. zach hoins growing up ! love you, z! thank you leah and dan for all your hospitality. you give a very clear picture of what the gift of hospitality looks like.

we did attempt a little family challenge...eating local. (now by this i don't mean eating loca-vore, only eating foods that are grown and made locally but rather trying to stay away from chains, drive and extra 5 miles to the small towns off the highway and eat at "ma & pa" spots along the way). it was so fun! i often thought of all you small town friends and wondered what life looked like growing up. in julesburg, co we ate at D & J's Cafe just as the local high school came for their lunch. we ate at a local pub with our dear friend in chicago and the friday night hang-out, Bulls Run Inn, in the cute quaint town of lewisberg, pa. however, i must give props to the best little cafe in newton, ia of all places. the cutest little cafe with AMAZING salads and mexican mochas, Uncle Nancy's Cafe. if ever happen to find yourself in the middle of iowa, do yourself a favor and visit!

the not so fun part of it all was when i got a winter-bug-cold thing somewhere in the middle of illinois. the last three days of the trip i had a painful fever, sore throat, and cough. kimbal was amazing! he made sure both judah and i were well taken care of and was filled with so much grace. it was an interesting experience pulling into new haven so sick i was hardly awake and trying to muster up the excitement of "we're here." i think both kimbal and i were disappointed in the initial moment. however, with sleep, some good time with friends, a classic east coast winter storm and a few hours in my new job we are warming up to this idea. today i was finding it hard to whipe this big goofy grin off my face that has me saying "this is so not my life...ahh!!" on this road it will be soon where i am saying "ahh!!! this is my life!"

a warm back

i am sitting in our friends house. it is cold outside and we are supposed to get 8 inches of snow tonight and maybe another 6 tomorrow. i just spent a few hours touring around a city that will hopefully feel like home to us soon and my nose is still running from this nasty cold that has been holding onto me since chicago...

i just finished a cup of tea, and my back is near the pellet stove and that makes me smile. i am glad to be off the road. being in a warm house with friends, and watching our children play together is great medicine for someone with getting over a cold and homesickness...i love you denver and miss you! come play soon!

PS soon, i'll post about our roadtrip adventures...we did take some pictures and have a few stories to tell!

these are a few of my favorite things

denver. colorado. home.

this city is home to me. i have lived in and around it my whole life. from my first steps in boulder to down south to graduating from DU a few years back to living in my first barn. this city is filled with memories, places, moments that i treasure. of course when you are in the thick of life it is hard to actually see your home for all that it is. and now life is moving me, my family somewhere new. two weeks from right now i will be in a new city, finding new treasures, family, friends and places to call my own...in this time of transition i have been lucky to sit. to observe. to remember life here, home. i thought i would gather some of my thoughts and share my spaces. a few of my favorite things. there is indeed so much i will miss. this place has been good to me. as i write i am not quite sure when i'll be home (visits of course!!) but i am not sure if this space will be my home . but i do know that it will always be a space where home is. where "welcome home" will always mean something to me. so here it is. a few of a little girls favorite things over the past 27 (almost 28 years!)

-the view from the playground on 16th and boulder (of course with jude smiling in the swing)
-walking to vitamin cottage to get my groceries
-1/2 coffee 1/2 hot chocolate @ ink cafe
-the sun coming through the windows at the starbucks in REI
-big fat biscuits from lucille's
-the artisan's center
-the red bud tree in our yard that we might not ever see blossum
-jude's window when the sun is shining through and his "bird" just look like shadows
-the schrug @ vita
-70 degree days in january

-the view from the top of keystone when the sun is shining and i am strapping my board on
-grandma and grandpa's 26th floor view
-the humanities gardens @ good old DU
- old school parker days...
-blueberry pancakes @ duo (with the yummy syrup)

-the "lake" :)
-the open mic at celebration
-our first barn
-dirty chai's with breakfast begals @ cafe cafe
-concerts at red rocks...oh my! so amazing!
-rio margaritas

-top row, section 203 folsom field (like it more when we are wining but i'll take it any fall day!)
-kids running through the fountain on pearl street
-pasquini's chocolate candle
-sunflower market
-lawson park
-mediterranean blt at gelman's
-the patio i've yet to eat in at potager
-jazz in the park
-the mistletoe hanging at the botanic gardens every holiday season

-the get-downer days
-97.3
-mexican chocolate ice cream @ little man
-the view from the exit just past lookout mountain
-better together happy cakes
-the chicago dog at mustard's last stand
-wash park in june and november
-all the microphones my voice has worshiped through (but mostly those folks i stood beside)
-the kurtz kabin in amazing norrie

my list could go on and on...as i sit and write i am still amazed by the home here and i am so quick to realize so much of the home is in the people i have discovered this place with! i love you!! you know all are!!! and instead of continuing it i am gonna go out and enjoy home (and all those people who will always be home to us) before we leave it!

i think i am a mother...

so just a little over a year ago this little man walked into my world. actually he rudely shoved himself into my world and demanded everything of me. i will be the first to admit that on december 19, 2007 when our son judah was born i was not a mom. i mean, of course i had become a mother but it was hard. it was a struggle. i was often told by my own mother in the early days that there would come a day when i couldn't imagine life without jude and i would be willing to do anything for him.

early on i knew that should be true but it was hard. i had NO clue all that was included in the new role of motherhood. my life quickly broke down into 3 hour segments. the nights were shorter and days felt long. i should have been able to put him to sleep better, calm him when he cried...but it all was so anti-me. being home with him made our house feel empty and lonely. i continued to tell myself that being home with judah for this first year was indeed a privilage but i didn't always believe it.

day by day, 3 hour segment by segment this year squeeked by and now i sit and wonder where it has gone. i think about where a lot of things went; my free time, my life, my heart, me. taken. stolen. by this now 13 month old son...somehow the moments spent rocking wondering when he might fall asleep lead to the place where today i rocked him and held onto him a little longer. not quite ready to let go of him yet. his little laugh melts my stubborn heart. bath time, meal time and play time are mere peaks now into what i am sure is what life is meant to be. and the word mama trembling off his little lips when he wants to be held is enough for me. i am glad that "i" was stolen. "me" is no more. i have changed.

jude...my little love. thank you for taking me. with joy and a grateful heart, i am privilaged to be your mama.

election day 08

so it is here...today! finally the nation will vote and decide who our next president will be.  paramount history changing stuff. right!?!?

today i got a little reminder just how paramount it is.  i was reminded that my president, my king, my lord had been decided long ago (over 12 years ago!) now don't get me wrong, i'll wear my "i voted" sticker today with a small sense of pride and gratefulness that this whole process involved me at all AND i'll continue to "root" for the guy that i believe is best for the job and reflects most of my beliefs on the world...AND i'll probably be a little bummed if my guy looses BUT how i live my life today or tomorrow or next week shouldn't be affected at all (an won't be) by the outcome of the race for neither candidate will put forth the kingdom of jesus policies that should reign in my life...granted BOTH candidates do have some kingdom principles and ideas embedded in their platforms  AND BOTH candidates have huge holes in their platforms that completely disregard the kingdom, the least of these!!!  Neither reaches the perfection of the sacrificial love jesus calls me to.  neither reaches the bar for the pro-life, pro-love, pro-freedom, pro-inclusiveness, pro-equality, pro-mercy, pro-justice, pro-love god/love your neighbor like jesus political platform in matthew 5 or luke 4 (really all throughout his life!)

so if you are interested in shifting your focus today give this a listen! a little sermon given by greg boyd as a reminder what our lives as followers SHOULD be about today, November 4, 2008, election day AND tomorrow, November 5,2008. may history really be in the making, jesus would you rise your church!!!

http://media.whchurch.org/2008/2008-08-24_Boyd_Defying-Tanks.mp3

i am not my hair...a brief adventure with my locks...

exactly one week ago today i sat down for a long evening of knotting.  that's right, i sat down and got dreadlocks.  our new friends from the live lightly tour came in town and since sara had such awesome locks and i have been talking about it for so long i decided that it was time to give it a shot.  two years of talking (maybe even longer)... 6 hours and 50 some odd locks later, i had a new dew... 

and last night i combed them all out.  every last one of them. 

this week has been crazy.  it has been one of the more challenging weeks i have faced in a long time.  the journey of these locks is short, but the week has taught me so much.  i think that if i was honest the minute sara finished the first lock i knew. i looked at it and said to myself this isn't me. but i pushed on and carried through for the week because i wanted it to be me (or more appropriately i felt like it should to be me).  i wanted to have them, be the kind of gal that carries then and does it so well.  i wanted to be the girl who walked into kimbal's classy christmas dinner with funky shoes and dreads as to say, "i am different and i won't fit in." 

but the moment they were on me something changed.  my world was flipped upside down.  i didn't feel right.  i couldn't put my finger on what was happening in me but as the days went on the not feeling right morphed into an highly emotional state where i began lashing, fighting.  i stared becoming different, thinking different.  my insecurity was shining through and my heart was beginning to become weary and hard.  the pressure of keeping them was heavy. i had set out to have them, i had talked about it, i had spent time and money doing it.  i couldn't go back, stubborn? pride? commitment?... and yet, in my quiet moments playing with judah this week, walking down town, cooking dinner, the thought would just come in and i would think "i don't want this.  i don't want them.  this isn't me." i just wanted to take a shower, feel the water run down my scalp.  i wanted to jump in the lake and go water skiing.  i actually wanted my curls i haven't loved my whole life back.  i felt i was an impostor, a fake. everyone kept telling me that they looked awesome, that it suited me, that i had the perfect hair to do it...but inside i was feeling something else.  

it came down to two things last night...was this adventure like a fast. a fast from standard quo beauty.  something physical that i was doing, sacrificing, that was teaching me something about myself about strength and beauty. was it challenging me to fight through it? 

or on the flip side was it and adventure learning about who i am and who i am not.  was it challenging me because it wasn't me but instead it was me ratting my hair in hopes that it would prove to everyone else (probably more myself) that i am like all the other radical, crazy, amazing jesus loving folks that have changed my thoughts on what it means to follow jesus.  was it challenging because somewhere deep down inside i was hoping that doing something radical would make me radical, would make me significant, different and somehow i would feel more comfortable in my skin knowing that i was indeed "radical."  as the saying goes (a popular one these days) you can put lip stick on a pig but it is still a pig...

maybe it was both. maybe there were lessoned to be learned on both sides of the choice...the one i learned (or am learning) is tough...maybe they both would have been.

the decision finally came to me last night when i was chatting with my amazing husband.  kimbal wanted me to keep them, but he also wanted me to be able to go through whatever it was that i needed to go through in order to be at peace.  randomly in the conversation he told me, "kellen,  do want you to know that you are one of the strongest women that i know.  and when you put your mind to something you do it.  it is not will that lacks." i think he may have said them to encourage me to keep them but those words gave me the freedom to let go. i was reminded in that moment about running a marathon, having a baby, breast feeding, praying for weeks on end. commitment wasn't lacking. it was that wanting bit, that piece about knowing that i was either doing something that i really wanted or feeling convicted enough about it to keep pushing through.  in an instant i felt peace and the ability to let them go...

that wasn't where the lesson was though. the lesson came in the torture of actually taking them out. 

one by one i un-ratted everything.  the same 6 hours and 50 some odd locks later.  i began thinking and singing an old hymn...it is well, with my soul... i knew i was moving where i wanted to go. i felt peace that i hadn't all week. i didn't want them and i knew it. eventually the un-ratting became tiresome and my head hurt. tears swelled up in my eyes and i was in pain. that was the moment that the lesson came...

i never ever ever again want to be radical for the sake of radical-ness.  i don't want to do radical things because they are radical. i want to follow jesus.  the last three years have been hard.  but i think that i have been waiting to do something radical, different for the sake of it rather than for him who has called us to it.  the call of jesus is radical enough, i don't need to be doing things to make it more so. seriously just a quick glance at matthew 5-6 the radical call of jesus goes way beyond having hair that doesn't fit in.  LOVE. LOVE. LOVE that is where jesus leads us.  and if i sit and think about it long enough it isn't shane claiborn's dreads that draw me, it is the way he loves jesus and his neighbor.  it isn't my dear sweet bess's crazy, funky-ness that draws me, it is jesus. they way she loves him and is secure in him. 

i have felt insignificant, alone, afraid that this life is going to land in a place that is far far away from the desires of my heart and so i want to push it there. i want it to be radical, significant... if i could rat my hair maybe then my heart would be there. if i could give everything i have maybe then i would be there but i am told that it profits me nothing...for the greatest is love. 

in my search for significance and radical-ness i haven't loved you all very well.  i have been judgmental of where you are on my scale of radical.  i have pushed things in church, in my home, in my marriage to fill that sense of radical not because they were always jesus...but when i got a piece of my different i wasn't very good at doing the most radical thing of all, being patient and kind and peaceful. i wasn't gracious, wise...love lacked.  for this in the last week i am sorry, and over the years i am as well.

as a family we are talking about doing some crazy stuff...but i want to do those things because he calls us, not because they are crazy.  i want to do them because my heart breaks and i can't help but move closer and love... in the meantime i want to learn what it means to love jesus, my son, my hubby, my friends... 

i hear judah stirring, this mom is going to take her curly locks (a little dry and crunchy locks) and go upstairs, change a diaper! maybe if i actually do it in love i could change the world.

"we can do no great things only small things with great love" -mother theresa