Monday, January 18, 2010

40 days...

so I have been doing a lot more yoga lately. i started going to this studio when we first arrived in new haven and I have really liked it. the mat has turned into this space where i have been able to escape, think and have some time for self reflection. combining breath and movement, mediation in motion…it helped me gain some new eyes along the way this year.

in practice a few weeks ago i noticed something about myself. no judgments, just noticed (as peg always says)… i noticed when i would first enter into a pose there would be a lot of self-confidence. then i would get tired. i would talk myself up in my head, focus on breathing…i would enter into a space of letting go through the pain…and then i noticed something else. the minute there were any cues that would tell me we were about to move onto a different pose i would rush out of the uncomfortable place (sometimes fall out) just to get to the next posture.

over the last week i have noticed this same pattern over and over again, pose after pose. needless to say, on the mat i have been bringing my attention to finishing the pose well and staying in it all the way through the exhale. taking everything, every moment in the pose… the last couple of days i have noticed a shift in what i am receiving from practice.

those that know me might be thinking, “hmmm that is something that i have seen take place off the mat in you kellen”. i too have noticed the same pattern in my life. when we know we are about to move on into something else or i can see something new coming into being, i will often rush to the next spot, not giving proper or any attention to the last few moments in my current location. in it I think i have missed a lot. moments… conversations… life. i don’t want to miss out anymore.

last week i also i noticed that the studio was launching a 40 day challenge. it intrigued my goal oriented, tangible results personality. i saw that the challenge ended the day before our flight is set to go back to colorado. i thought about it. and i have decided to take the plunge and spend my last 40 days here in new haven on the mat. it is my hope that it will be a space to remind myself, ask myself and check in to see if i am finishing well here. make no judgments, notice my response in the moments and readjust accordingly.

i hope to post some of what I am learning along the way in this challenge. i’m hoping that both on an off the mat something beautiful happens in me and my time here. here’s to finishing well and staying fully engaged through each exhale….1 down 39 to go!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

dreaming with my eyes wide open

it’s not jan 1st like it was supposed to be when i planned on writing/finishing this… just a few days late. our family has been in relax mode for the past 2+ weeks (monday morning will come as a shocker for me that’s for sure).

we have been sleeping in, hanging out in our pj’s, having amazing birthday and christmas celebrations with family (that included, monkey birthday cakes, fondue for christmas eve and an amazing 24 hours away with just my hubby while grandma watched the baby…no mom, i wasn’t going to mention the fact that our christmas adventures also included your hair catching on fire during the christmas eve service…oops ;)) making snowmen, watching football, doing yoga, dancing in the new year, skyping with friends, making big decisions…busy, eventful and yet filled with rest and peace.

in all this, i have spent some time reflecting on the year that has passed and the year that is to come…it has been good. i decided to steal one of my favorite bloggers new years post and filled out her little “new years refection guide” for myself. i wanted to share it with you… this past year has been wild and full. this next year i expect will be…a little unexpected. enjoy!

in 2009

3-4 words to describe 2009….hopeful, full, disappointing, confusing, cohesive

if 2009 was a book title it would be… “dreaming with my eyes wide open” (i think this year was all about dreams coming into reality. so much of that was beautiful and amazing BUT the funny thing about dreams is that when they turn into a reality they meld and become part of the everyday, mundane, messy, eyes wide open life).

i’m really glad i tried…taking the job with Love146. it was an amazing time filled with many “learns”, it was both challenging and good. i wouldn’t take it back for anything.

something that surprised me was…how much i love new haven…and that we won’t be calling here home for much longer.

the most courageous thing I did this year was…take a job and move my family across the country…. confront some issues… oh and, the tattoo took some courage too.

i tried to let go of… the battle between contentment and discontentment. i tried to put new words in their place like constructive and grateful (still trying).

i tried to hold onto…my hope in the kingdom coming on earth as it is in heaven.

i felt hopeful…that He who began a good work in me will not tire but carry it on to perfection (both for me and all of creation)…even this journey will take a little longer than expected.

i felt less anxious about…being “just” a mom... from actually filling the mommy role well and feeling like being a mom is a worthy and “significant” contribution…this year i fell in love with my son and being his mommy.

a relationship i am especially grateful for this year is… i am very grateful this year for many relationships from my hubby and son, to my amazing and supportive friends and family (both old and new). to pick just one out seems difficult… BUT i will say that this year i am especially thankful for my relationship with jim. he has been a great mentor, advisor and friend. he helped me to get some perspective. this year was a year where i had difficulty seeing myself and my contribution to the world. he helped to see both of those things a little more clearly, the good, the bad and the ugly…thanks jim!

this year i noticed God’s work…in the small dark corners of my heart. i can’t necessarily say i saw Him working at the time, i look back over the year and see that things in me have changed.

in 2010

words i hope to describe this upcoming year are…joy, peace, laughter, life, simple, thankful, creative, music

something i really want to try is…actually playing my guitar consistently and to blog/write with intention.

a person i want to pour more of my heart and time into is…my son…my hubby… and the 4 other people that are leaping across (or staying across an ocean) to live in Uganda for a little while together. (oh yeah...we’re moving to Uganda. more on this soon. I told you we made some big decisions this break).

a way i want to take better care of myself this year is…eat less sugar and do more yoga!

a way i want to reach out to others is… try to choose looking people in the eyes more while I am “en route.”

i’d really love to experience God’s peace in…everyday life. sure i need and desire his peace in the big decisions/moments we encounter but this year i would love to see it during the daily grind.

i’m going to need God’s courage to…move my family across an ocean to Uganda. to not worry constantly about judah’s safety. to be humble and broken in community…. just to name a few.

this year i hope to let go of… expectations.

this year i hope I can hold onto….the hope that another world really is possible and if i can just quiet myself for a moment I could see she is on her way.

one dream i have for 2010 is…to see my fam (sis, mom, dad) at some point dance with the Acholi.

happy 2010… the pic above was taken just moments after the new year. judah was sleeping upstairs during the most amazing new years party with our friends here in new haven. he woke up just in time to dance in the new year with mama and papa (and then we raced home to get him to bed)!