Wednesday, January 14, 2009

i think i am a mother...


so just a little over a year ago this little man walked into my world. actually he rudely shoved himself into my world and demanded everything of me. i will be the first to admit that on december 19, 2007 when our son judah was born i was not a mom. i mean, of course i had become a mother but it was hard. it was a struggle. i was often told by my own mother in the early days that there would come a day when i couldn't imagine life without jude and i would be willing to do anything for him.

early on i knew that should be true but it was hard. i had NO clue all that was included in the new role of motherhood. my life quickly broke down into 3 hour segments. the nights were shorter and days felt long. i should have been able to put him to sleep better, calm him when he cried...but it all was so anti-me. being home with him made our house feel empty and lonely. i continued to tell myself that being home with judah for this first year was indeed a privilage but i didn't always believe it.

day by day, 3 hour segment by segment this year squeeked by and now i sit and wonder where it has gone. i think about where a lot of things went; my free time, my life, my heart, me. taken. stolen. by this now 13 month old son...somehow the moments spent rocking wondering when he might fall asleep lead to the place where today i rocked him and held onto him a little longer. not quite ready to let go of him yet. his little laugh melts my stubborn heart. bath time, meal time and play time are mere peaks now into what i am sure is what life is meant to be. and the word mama trembling off his little lips when he wants to be held is enough for me. i am glad that "i" was stolen. "me" is no more. i have changed.

jude...my little love. thank you for taking me. with joy and a grateful heart, i am privilaged to be your mama.




2 comments:

Ryan said...

This is really beautiful Kellen! -ry

Casey said...

you are a great mother. it has been a privelage in itself to watch you become such! my life is beautiful with you and your son in it. much love!