Sunday, May 31, 2009

to be a mother...

maybe it's because i have been traveling so much....maybe it's because life is finally starting to settle into reality here...maybe its because my son is so freakin cute...maybe it's just because...

i have been doing some thinking about being a mom and working. the last days i have felt a little strange. i have a feeling that i am starting to miss out on something. judah is at this amazing place where he is walking and talking and laughing and growing and i have this sense that i am missing it. confused because i know that god ever so clearly called me into this place where i am working my dream job AND living out specific pieces of what make up the very fabric of my soul...but nothing is so important that i want my own flesh and blood to feel abandoned in the pursuit of it. so i have bee thinking about it all...

and now here is the catch...i think that is isn't what is actually happening that is causing me to fret. i think that all the thinking about what's next has been causing me angst. the thought "should i be home with judah," "am i a bad mom for not being home" or "how can we adopt or grow our family AND have me work" or as kimbal looks for work in his calling i think "is it a bad thing to send judah to day care" or "is this an all or nothing thing-day care OR being at home."

i just spent the last hour searching on the web for advise, article, blogs from a new perspective. all i could find were peoples defenses on their choice to stay home or work. there were loads of judgments about the "bad mom who chose her career over her kids" or the "out of touch mom who gave up her career to be at home." so much shame, guilt for all of these amazing women who want the same thing: to love their kids and feel like they are contributing to this mess of a world.

kimbal and i have been thinking that there has to be another way. we want to take this dual responsibility of parenting and raising children seriously. we both want to be in the middle of what god has for us in bringing his kingdom in not only this world but our family. i want to be a good mom and a women that inspires people to pursue a life the love of god and neighbor and self. i want to be a part of building the kingdom at home and for the orphan and widow. i might be off my rocker and just need to realize that there isn't enough of me to go around OR there has to be a new way of thinking, living and being that allows for mothers and fathers to fully engage their families and their callings/careers.

thoughts!?!? is there a third option between kids being raised in day-care and one parent fully being at home? what could it look like? what role do fathers have in the conversation?

i'll leave you with a pic of the one who day by day is stealing this heart of mine.

1 comment:

Casey said...

ah, good, a post!

i obviously don't have a lot of experience here; all i know is that i went to day care for a significant part of my childhood and partially hated it and partially loved it. i can see now the positive ways it shaped me and i don't ever remember feeling like i was missing out or losing something, does that make sense? my mom didn't even HAVE to work but she wanted to, to maintain a sense of herself, i think, to contribute in other ways. and she was absolutely always there for me.

so i think all this "right way" and "wrong way" stuff is silly, people trying to validate their own choice as if it is right for everyone else. you have to do what is right for you. god will take care of the rest; he is ultimately in control of the outcome, you guys worry about the journey! enjoy it, you are doing the right thing. you are okay. you can't do it all, just do what you can. you are a great mom.

and i have no ideas about what else it could look like. :) mom worked part time, so she always picked us up from school, always dropped us off, half days, yaddi yaddi. it was a nice balance.