Friday, August 14, 2009

a brown necklace

it was nearly 20 months ago that i got this amazing necklace. a few days after judah was born my dear friend carolyn came over bearing christmas gifts. it snowed a lot the week of christmas that year, so snow covered the ground. a christmas tree with all the right"trimmings" and this new little baby boy accompanied our gift exchange. she brought a bright orange monkey and a book, "la estrella de navid," for the new one. for me, i got this cute red sweater vest and this amazing brown necklace.

i barely made it out of bed that day for the gift exchange. i was still in the same polka-dotted robe and red flannel pajama pants that i had worn for days (it would be the standard outfit for weeks to come). i was tired and still in some pain from the hardest and most beautiful thing i had done in my life to that point, giving birth to a son.

i snuck upstairs after our gift exchange to put away all the new treasures. i remember the moment so clearly. i went to put the necklace away in the bathroom. just before i did, i draped it around my neck and looked at my self in the mirror. i began to cry. i cried because i was pretty sure i would never be at a place in my life where i would wear the necklace again. all i could see in that moment was this new life that had been flipped on its head overnight. i cried because i wasn't sure when the 3 hour "naps" would be over. i cried because learning how to breast feed (something i thought would be far more "natural" than it really was), take care of and love this new little life was so much harder than i thought before. i wasn't sure that night if i would ever get out of my polka-dotted bathrobe. i was scared, tired and felt alone. the next weeks would be the hardest of my life. in no way were they the glamorous "motherhood" moments i had dreamed of just weeks before when this little life was just kicking inside me. i felt defeated. i put the necklace in my jewelry box and walked away. a feeling of despair welled up inside me.

yesterday, i wore the necklace. i didn't even think about it when i put it on. it was during the middle of our "morning routine" (getting juice, drinking coffee, making oatmeal and sitting around the kitchen table) when the memory of that moment in the bathroom came to me. i paused for a moment and smiled. i made it. we made it. there was a hilarious toddler in the background saying "thank you mommy" that proved it.

there have been moments this past month were i have had a similar feeling of despair. it was good to be reminded of god's faithfulness in that moment. it caused me to pause for the day and intentionally remember just where i have come from. god has been so faithful. "oh you of little faith, just believe," echos in my ear today and begs me to have a posture towards thankfulness.

6 comments:

Sara said...

Thank you for this post :) I've had to remind myself lately that everything is "in season" and that life changes so fast. It's so hard to get used to having a little one again after 5 years :) Bella is so independent now...I had forgotten how intense this beginning period was. Your words touched my heart and reminded me of God's goodness and timing in all things. xxoo

Marieke said...

Thank you for writing this, and thank you Sara for posting it on facebook!

I continually have to remind myself that this season of working hard (balancing work, school, and a marriage) to sow the seeds and the waiting to reap the harvest is just a season. And a time to learn many different things.

kellen.kurtz said...

miss sara...your girls are beautiful. thanks for the kind words. i am glad that they touched you in this season. it is crazy. life does change fast and yet in those moments for me it is hard to peak over the edge and see that just around the bend there will be a break or change. it is good in the "blind spots" to be reminded of how you have been navigated in the past. i do hope and pray that you are well.

marieke, keep up the good work...this season will end, and there will be a new one with lessons, joy and probably more work :)

Carrie (and chickens) said...

Kellen I just "discovered" that you blog and I love your blog. I am so happy for the ways that live evolves for us and I am thankful to hear the way that motherhood has grown on you. I could be there to watch you balance such significant and meaningful demands on your time and talents. Isn't it amazing what a hard place we find ourselves in when surrounded by really really good options?!? I feel so "blessed" to have so many good doors open and, at the same time, paralyzed not knowing which door to choose. Thank you for helping me reflect with your post.

kellen.kurtz said...

thanks carrie! so good to see your posts too...yay! i like it.

i agree with the way which options can be paralyzing and in so many ways keep us thinking that if we could change X then we would be able to live the way that we feel we want/should be living...

how are the chickens? i am excited to read what you have to say out there living a piece of my dream in OR!

Carrie (and chickens) said...

Hey Kel. Ironically enough I don't have any chickens yet. We're going to CO for a wedding and I was afraid we wouldn't have met enough people to chicken-sit while we were gone. So...on the way back from Portland when we come back here again, I'm picking them up and we'll be in full poultry (OK, just egg) production. I can't wait!